Pray the Straight Away: My Gay Expiration Date?

Transcript of audio is below because Laughing Coyote is still learning how to edit audio and this ten minute LGBT set for Pride performed in Santa Fe, is alas, imperfect. Perhaps the laughter does drown out the sound of dishes clanking in the cafe? Let’s hope.

Gay Expiration Date

Well it’s official. This is my last week of being gay. After pride, I’ve decided to go straight.  Look, all that pray the gay away had the intended effect. Have you ever wondered where all that prayer goes once it leaves the church? Remember your physics people; energy transforms, it doesn’t just disappear.  Since breath is used to make the prayers, I’m guessing it just hangs out in the atmosphere waiting for a good breeze, sort of like an invisible homophobic sailing ship, or maybe some  clouds.  I think some random, wandering anti-gay prayer smacked me good one day when I was driving down I-25.

You know I’d like to see the warning sign for that on the highway. We have falling rocks, deer in the headlights, even Watch Out for Elk, (for the one elk that lives in New Mexico) but no sign saying: Warning  the Wind May Have Strong Anti-gay Impact. What would be the image on the sign warning of high pray the gay away wind content?  Or is there some kind of orange wind sock we can put up?  Or how about a barometric reading of some sort? Some way to know that disgusting homophobic humidity is high?

Actually no, that’s not what happened. Now no one told me this when I entered gaydom, but apparently your lesbian license can expire for lack of use. Apparently if you don’t get the RDA of gay (recommended daily requirement), your gayness can lapse. So it’s not that I want to be straight; it’s just that my queerness is expiring; you know like a driver’s license.  I didn’t know when I got my queer certification it meant- you are gay until July 1 2018.  That my license had conditions.  That’s just not fair. Heterosexuality doesn’t expire with lack of use, although I think maybe it should. How would that be for terror? Unless you have sex immediately, you will turn gay. That would be one way to increase pregnancy rates and save social security.)

I didn’t read the fine print which explained that if you go too long without a partner, you aren’t really a lesbian. Now you are wondering “How long has she gone? Too many years apparently. It’s a secret. There is another set of requirements addressing dating. I apparently have not achieved the minimum requirements.

In my defense (I went to the Gay Enforcement Office to argue my case. I said ‘what about all those lesbians with bed death? How about taking a look at them, huh? Why are you picking on me? Anyway I’m gay and I masturbate so that’s queer sex so check off all those boxes and leave me alone.

But apparently rules are rules!

So ladies you know what this means. There’s a whole week where one, or more of you lovely folks can save me. If you aren’t persuaded by my looks and charm, then why not Fuck me for politics sake? Take one for the team, fuck me for the vote, if you can’t think of any other reason—there’s an election coming up. My slogan this year is: Fuck the Straight Away! I tried to get some T-shirts printed up, but well, that didn’t happen.

Some of you are wondering if my license would still expire if I had sex with man (in case there are no women around willing to save me) Like I tell all the men in my life: if we have sex you will be having sex with a woman who is also a man inside, therefore we will be having some gay sex. So, are you still up for that? I’m not sure that kind of arrangement qualifies for gay/straight or other.

Some of you may be asking, “How about fucking a man? A gay or bi one? Would that renew your license?

My answer: well not the lesbian license per se, but the queer license—technically, yes (I was smart enough to check several boxes when I entered Gaydom).  He’s a guy and I’m a woman who is half guy, at least, it’s really about ¾.  So if we have sex that’s just pretty queer however you slice it.

But let’s have the women give it a whirl first.  I am offering a type of reward, other than just the wonder of being with me.  I have just created a new invention

I’ve invented an App for lesbians called “LezDate.” It’s an app designed to tell you if you are on a date or not. You just take it into the ambiguous social situation with you. When it’s gathered enough information, a plus sign will show if it’s positive for dating. You know like a pregnancy test. A negative sign will appear if you are just hanging out.

Wow I’m getting a plus sign; so I’m either pregnant or I’m dating someone in here right now?  How wonderful! Let’s hope she comes forward.

Okay, so before I go I want everyone to join hands and bow their heads…take a moment to Pray the Straight Away for our poor homophobic brothers and sisters in need. They have no idea what they are missing.