If I was a novel, this is what my editor would say:
Is this the shitty first draft?
Unrealistic character development.
No one says this shit.
Oh come on, is that really believable?
You can’t keep saying the same stuff all the time.
Who just keeps having the same problems over and over with no resolution?
If I was a book, my editor would say
Is there a plot?
You have a serious problem with point of view.
I’m sorry you just aren’t believable.
No one turns into a lesbian for that reason.
What do you mean you don’t know what happens next?
If I was a book, my copy editor would say:
Learn to indent for god’s sake. You can’t just be one long paragraph.
People need a segway once in a while Debbie.
Enough adverbs already!
If I was a story, my writing critique group would say:
No seriously your main character can’t be drunk the whole time and have people like her.
What do you mean there are no other characters?
You know you need to have at least one or two likeable characteristics or people won’t stay involved.
Look, something, anything, needs to happen.
You should let other people talk sometimes.
No one is going to believe you got away with that.
This is what my development editor would say if I was a novel:
Yes having a plan might help.
Pick a genre. Any genre.
Okay, now you need to decide if this is science fiction or memoir.
No there is no such thing as a fictionalized life.
Um yes, memorialized fiction could be a confusing epitaph on someone’s headstone.
Yes we could say “what a great story that would have been,” instead.
(Note to other people who want to be novels: two much eye rolling means that your editor is really tired of you.)
This is what my ex would say if I was my memoir:
You need consistency or people won’t believe you are real.
Why did you think that scene was particularly wonderful?
Scenes 2 through 46 are a total waste of time. Yes I know that leaves chapters 1 and 47.
No I’m sorry, it’s not any funnier written down.
I’m so disappointed you don’t die at the end.
This is what a good friend would say about me if I was a book:
No you don’t look fat.
If they don’t understand, they are stupid.
Oh people don’t know what they like.
Have you considered assisted suicide?
If I was a detective novel, my critique group would say:
Too much backstory.
Upon reading me for the first time, the woman I’m dating would say:
Too little backstory.
If I was the highlights of my life posted on FaceBook, the reviewer would say:
Oh my god. Tell, don’t show. Tell!
If I was a novel, my publisher would say:
Shitty cover art.
Probably less is more.
Leave your book jacket alone.
I don’t see a target audience.
Have you thought of letting your cats ghost write?
Self-publishing is over-rated.
Who was your fucking editor?
If I was my published novel, my title would be:
Content Not Suitable For Humans.