New Mental Illness that Strikes only Democrats Discovered by Psychologists and the CDC

Psychologists, working alongside the CDC in Atlanta, have discovered a new infectious, politically induced, psychological disorder,  that apparently affects only Democrats (and possibly their pets).

This disorder has been identified as Bernie Sanders Support disorder, or BS-S.  Although it is too early to make a complete determination (research results are still pending), this appears to be an organic brain disorder that becomes active in white, liberal, educated Democrats who listen to Bernie make idealistic speeches that no thinking humanitarian person could possibly disagree with—Let’s end poverty! Let’s raise taxes on the Rich! We need to save the Middle Class—Wall Street Bad, American People, Good!

The first sign of the disorder is when the Democrat mistakes those beautiful words for actually being a practical plan forward. BS-S does two things to these hapless Democrats—induces the delusion that Hillary Clinton is evil, forgets about the sexism that runs rampant in both parties, and fails to recognize that Bernie is functionally the Trump of the Democrats with a nicer vocabulary and better intention, but the result—polarizing the parties—is the same.  Sometimes the BS-S’rs don’t realize that their syndrome induces delusions that could result in stubbornly not voting for the non-Bernie Democratic nominee thereby rendering the entire nation vulnerable to the rampant idiocy and greed that is the GOP. No one wants a Cruz-Trump, Ryan -Cruz or Cruz-Rubio ticket.  When the even GOP wants Bernie to win the nomination, people infected by Bernie Supporter Syndrome, fail to take that red-herring into account.

Even humorists and comedians can be affected with BS-S Syndrome.  One very well unknown comic (interviewed yesterday by a journal that has almost no distribution and doesn’t want to say who they are because of an outbreak of BS-S among some of the editorial staff) told a story about inadvertently coming down with BS-S.

Comedian X told her story:

“Well, you know, last Tuesday night I was feeling a bit idealistic, and I just thought it was fatigue, or a touch of cold, flu, allergy, or delirium from working too hard inside the U.S. school system, or maybe I had  “a touch of the insurance,” which is fever, chills, and headache brought about by paying into any kind of U.S. insurance policy; but by the time I woke up the next morning, I had a full on case of The Beliefs.

But instead of running to the bathroom, I found myself running out into other people’s yards and compulsively planting Bernie posters, and then posting pictures of Bernie and the Bird obsessively on the internet and singing songs from the Feel The Bern musical.

Even though I was alone at the time, it was embarrassing when I started congratulating myself for simply saying things well, and I even got two podiums, one for the living room and one for the front yard, before the BS-S really kicked in and I found myself with even more Beliefs and Emotions and Heart and Caring. . .and I went around my house and started throwing out my whole FACT Collection because Hillary uses them all the time.

I found myself thinking, “Oh my god, Hillary, that evil bitch who was so unappealing and mean that Bill Clinton had to cheat on her in public in order to feel loved, uses FACTS! Get them off me! It burns; it berns!  Aaaagh!”

We had a bonfire that night, me and the neighbors who weren’t inside with the shades drawn praying to the Virgin de Guadalupe in Spanish that the crazy, white,well-educated, liberal, Democrat, academic, and teacher wouldn’t bring over another Bernie cake with leftist frosting, with the letters Eat The Burn inscribed on the top. anyway, those neighbors who agreed with me and/or those who were  too scared to say ‘I’m with Hillary or Trump, or God forbid that Ted Cruz Freakazoid,’  were out with me burning PRAGMATISM, because both Obama and Hillary have used it, from time to time, and look at the burning shit storm we’re in now? We chanted Feel the Burn, Feel the Bern, Feel the Bern.

Before the bonfire burned out, we raised our fists and said, “Who needs Practicality when we Believe things. We believe our government is corrupt. We believe the establishment is corrupt. We believe it is time for a change. We know our great BS will save us!”

But even we were taken aback when the Tea Party guy down the road joined us and then said, “You aren’t Tea Party? Shit, sorry man. Sounded like it. My bad; my bad,” and then he backed away with this hands raised for about 100 feet and then ran away.

Then the fire department came and put out the wildfire fire fueled by our lack of remembering to bring some water. Who needs water when We Believe We Can Change…oops the world is on fire? Did anyone bring a hose?

And then the next phase of the virus kicked in, and I realized that feminism isn’t important in this election and neither is sexism. I found myself calling everyone I knew and babbling about “how. . .you know. . .we are just people. You know? People.  Male people, female people, sometimes male and female people, but people.” My best friend hung up on me when I said, “Animals are people too.”

My friends called the police. And the social-worker on call for Santa Fe county. And the mental health crisis intervention unit, also called BSS, the Behavior Services System. ….my head was spinning with acronyms. I thought Bernie sent them. I told them I was just fine and converted them promptly. I really didn’t understand how ill I really was.

Running a 99 percent-er fever (which is really 104. 3 in thermometer terms) made some of the details of that day fuzzy. I don’t really remember this but I apparently I was texting also and sending Hillary supporters private pictures of my ideology, hoping to persuade them the same way Anthony Weiner did his constituents, or at least the women he was hoping to fuck.

Somewhere in there, I think I tried to stop.  I remember thinking, “Even my going too far is going too far,” but even though I didn’t want to think about The Urn, sorry, the Bern, anymore, I couldn’t stop. I started searching the internet for answers and recording my symptoms in a journal, which is why I have such a good description of various events.

I knew I was really sick when I found myself happily clapping along and mouthing the words of Bernie’s grump speech, I mean stump speech (sorry, like a migraine and stroke, Bernie Supporter Syndrome can affect word-choice, even weeks later, like when you say “Wall Street,” instead of “Isis,” and “free college,” instead of  “realistic economic plan,” and “revolution,” instead of “foreign policy,”  and “gender doesn’t matter” instead of “GENDER FUCKING MATTERS.”  And saying “I will benefit America because I’m pure and idealistic,” instead of “selfish quasi-democratic opportunist.”)

When I started getting invitations via FB and email to join some other BS-S’ers for dinner even in my addled state, something felt off.

During a brief respite from The Beliefs, I knew I had to dial 911 before I became incapable of sensible speech which would turn my call for the ambulance, “Please help me. I’m infected with emotionally based idealism and don’t have long before my brain turns into ideological Left-wing jelly,” into  “Come and get me ambulance and let’s go vote for Bernie in whatever state he’s in today.”

The ambulance came and took me to the Infectious Disease Treatment center, which out here in New Mexico, consisted of a cabin out in the middle of nowhere staffed with nurses, an online library with streaming video, and a TV. It is underfunded. It’s a BS-S recovery program for people who believe things without checking with Rachel Maddow first.

They left MSNBC, alternating with NPR and the BBC (and occasionally FOX!) on all the time as my fervor rose and fell over several days. When I heard that the Koch brothers’ PAC threw some money and support behind Bernie, I felt the siren song of the What the Fuck? And I slowly came out of my ideological delirium.

What? The Koch brothers are on Bernie’s side? I grabbed all the medical staff I could and they spent the next twenty-four hours reading facts about both campaigns and their respective political history.  I came to my senses and realized Bernie is simply another politician trying to make his mark in whatever way he can, just like the acutely politic Hillary, and all those GOP screw balls. Say what you will, they are all politicians of one stripe or another. Since when do we elect politicians who are pretending not to be?

Furthermore, it dawned on me that the cure for BELIEF  is not more BELIEF.  I sent a friend to go rescue my FACT collection.

I have fully recovered from the Bernie Supporter Syndrome now, thank you.

During my two-week recuperation, I studied up on the syndrome, so I can help others.

Unlike most psychological disorders, BB-S appears to be contagious, even over the internet, and is related to another set of syndromes the CDC is calling BSS, or Bernie Savior Syndrome. Researchers are unsure if BS-S causes BSS or if BSS causes BS-S (it’s the usual chicken and bullshit question), but the probably scenario is that Bernie himself suffers from Bernie Savior Syndrome and is running around the planet triggering both BSS and the Bernie Supporter Syndrome (BS-S), kind of like the difference between HIV and full blown AIDS. (And despite the overwhelming evidence, people still like to argue that these diseases/syndromes don’t really exist.)

Psychologists believe that people can be carriers of BSS without knowing it. Witness the befuddled white masses—liberal, can think, but don’t, obviously ready for a Savior with white hair—where have we seen that before? The difference between the types of BS, is that Bernie Savior Syndrome is a closely related, but typically more unconscious, psychological disorder  in many white, well to do, sexist liberals who went to school but could only loosely be said to be educated, and want a father figure, and/or a preacher, to save them. Nice to see that Christianity isn’t dead on the Left. The GOP underestimates Democratic secularism.

I understand this in anyone who is under 30—you have not yet gotten over the idea that there is such a father-figure Savior, but as soon as you hit 31, unless you’ve gone to graduate school, you know that if there is a Savior, He ain’t a politician! (I learned to spell ain’t correctly in grad school).

Look if Obama couldn’t do it with all the momentum he had, and old white man with a socialist/Christian god-complex, who is left of Left, will not be able to do it either. What the hell is wrong with us? Do Democrats have to fight and question at the wrong time? The Boat is sinking, with Captain Trump D. Bligh too near admiralty for comfort, and we’re going to whine and fuss about the proper way to protest the The United States Titanic of Government, instead of just practically finding the nearest Hillary and sticking her in the god damn hole?

She’s prepared. She knows where the hole is, what shape it is and who else to stick in it, when she needs a break, in order to make it to port and then, amidst a ridiculously partisan inquiry, made slow steps towards replacing the Titanic with a more socialist-democratic container ship, and Bernie can help. Maybe they can use the CIA/FBI/NSA/NBC/CBS to assassinate the current crop of Super Right Wing Christian Ideological Terrorists and we can get a new crop of Republicans who aren’t as crazy and adolescent.

People have asked me how I caught BS-S. I don’t know. Maybe one of my democratic liberal friends is a secret carrier?

And it may be a species-jumping psychological virus. Perhaps I caught it from my cats, both of whom are staunch Demo-cats, who were watching Bernie on TV one night. I thought they were so cute, I filmed them. I had no idea what was happening. They could have gotten infected by the BS-S and then given it to me when they licked my hand or drank out of my water glass.

So, I rewound the video in my iPhone and watched it again.

Then I realized what they were doing. They were watching the Bird, not the Bern.

Of course. They are only cats after all.”

That concludes this report. Thank you to comedian X for sharing your story.

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Categories: political humor and satire, psychology humor | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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