political humor and satire
In this episode, Comedian Laughing Coyote Punches Holes in Trump’s Wall-World, announces candidacy for President 2020, interviews President Fuckface von Trump-Slug and Kellyann Creepshow, analyses the psychological meanings of the WTF Wall, and finds a metaphor real people can live with.
Performed live at fundraiser for Santa Fe Dreamers Project, October 2017.
Live Audio and transcript below.
What Is Not a Wall
Because I keep waking up every day realizing that I, a neurotic introvert, would still make a better a President, I am staging a coup right now. I’m declaring myself President. I have a plan. Who is with me?
President Fuckface von Clownstick has said,“We’re going to build a Wall.”
I refuse the hegemony of this metaphor: I will not live in Wall-World.
As President, my first executive order will be a ban on believing things just because you believe them. This will make believing things without facts to back them up, illegal, or at least extremely difficult. So we may end up deporting Christianity accidentally, but I don’t see that as a problem—No more dinosaurs attending Christ’s crucifixion! How sad.
Thus, this will insure that you can’t just say anything or think anything when facing a problem. Imaginary solutions are extremely effective only with imaginary problems. We fact checked that. We looked for problems that didn’t exist and then counted how many times they got solved. Some fascinating data there.
Executive Order number 2 will ban Blaming the Victim : We are outlawing the belief that powerless people are so dangerous that they must be deported, maimed, killed or imprisoned. We are forbidding the belief that most social problems in the United States are created by the people are who have almost no political or economic power. Who the fuck thought that up?
“Hey white rich man! Are you powerful or not? Make up your mind! If you are powerful you don’t need to deport people who aren’t. Is your power that shaky?”
Executive Order #3: We are outlawing the white race—mainly because it doesn’t exist. If it did there would be such a thing as Caucasian food. I dare you to go into a restaurant and order Caucasian food and see what happens. Like Twinkies and Velveeta the white race is artificially constructed, has no nutrition, and is packaged with sugar to make it seem yummy and palatable. It’s false and bad for your health. It maintains power by splitting people into two groups: those who believe in the racist purity of the Twinkie, and those who eat real, nutritious, multicultural food. Let’s stop with the Hitler Snack Cakes already and admit that everyone likes a good salad with veggies of all colors and origins. Let’s participate in the hegemony of the tossed salad rather than a wall of white wonderbread—if you’ve ever eaten wonderbread you wonder how anyone could think it’s bread. Analogously, how in the world can a wall mean freedom?
My fourth executive order will be to ban all walls around and inside the United states. We’ll call it the Wall-Ban. (Some idiots will think we are banning Wal-Mart. . . which may not be a bad idea.)
The only wall that will be allowed is the wall we’ll build to house all the other walls we are no longer using. (Walls to keep deer out of gardens with be grandfathered in). Walls that will be banned behind the Wall-To-End-all-Walls are: a) the border wall, b) the wall around the hearts of Republicans and racists (oh I’m sorry that’s redundant) and c) the wall around Trump’s fucking brain that keeps it from functioning in reality and d) the wall of magical thinking that is dominating our nation at the moment.
Research shows that walls almost never have the intended effect and are indeed, when used with a proscription, are almost uniformly ineffective.
Woman 1: I’m having trouble paying my health insurance.
Trump: Have you considered using a wall?
Woman 2: I need an abortion but all the Planned Parenthoodsare gone.
Trump: You should use the vaginal wall. It’s a great wall. It’s made of vaginas.
Man: My kid is struggling in a poor school district and isn’t learning anything.
Trump: Tell him to sit closer to the wall.
Teenage girl: I am going to be deported. I have no family in Mexico anymore.
Trump: There’s a wall that can help you with that but you need to be on the
other side of it.
Young Man: I’m driving to work and the breaks on my car are broken-
Trump: Don’t worry. We built a wall across that stretch of road last month. It’ll stop your car for sure.
Please note: You can use this style of argument with Trump supporters in the grocery store or at Thanksgiving to show them how stupid they are.
I then did some investigative reporting. I got an interview with President Fuckface.
“Mr. President I am having very sad feelings about the plight undocumented immigrants and dreamers.”
“Obviously you need a wall. That would fix you right up. You wouldn’t see or feel any of that with a good wall.”
“But I have a wall. I got one right after the election because I knew the price of walls would go up. But I still feel bad.”
“You need a bigger wall, obviously,” said Trump.
“Well I did that too. At the first sign of feeling bad, I added a couple of stories; when I got sick, I added some more. But I’m sicker. It isn’t working. And it’s getting so tall I’m afraid it’s going to fall on me.”
“Well you’ll need a wall for that.”
“I need a wall to protect me from a wall?” I said.
“It happens. Or maybe you need the best wall. ATrump Wall. I’ll have my assistant describe how it works. I would tell you myself but I don’t really understand how it works, plus but I have to go fix some holes in my Wall; some facts about Dreamers have punched their way through.”
So then Kellyann Creepshow way showed up and took me to a castle and moat. They called it Moat-a-Lago
“We have the best moats,” she said.
“What about bridges?” I said. “I’m more in a bridge kind of mood.”
“We don’t do bridges,” she said. “That’s something a Mexican would do.”
I shuddered and managed not to strangle her. Inside the building, I looked around, “Where’s the Trump wall?”
“It’s a special wall; she said. “It’s mostly invisible. You know like thoughts.”
(I suddenly had a thought. Maybe Trump will just end up pretending he built a wall that deported Dreamers and undocumented souls and he won’t really do it. And that would mean we could just tell him that he already blew up North Korea.)
Meanwhile Miss Creepway was saying, “You should buy and use a Trump-Grade Wall. This wall is the best because can just project your own reality on it, whatever you want it to be. You can’t see over it, or around it. This wall keeps out anything you think is bad, including other people and facts. You can enable your psychological wall (we call it the psycho wall for short) with the Unidirectional Osmotic Projection System that projects your own unwanted history, feelings, thoughts, emotions and weaknesses, psychological wounds and traumas onto other people so you can hate them instead of yourself. Everyone else becomes an angry, childish, liar, while you remain pristine and perfect inside. You are good; they are bad. You are the powerful victim able to be hurt by a butterfly wing and empowered by nukes.”
“Powerful victim?” I said having not heard that before.
“Oh yes, the Trump Wall allows you to be so easily victimized that you become the most powerful Adult Toddler.”
“But that shows the wall isn’t working right?”
“It’s working perfectly.”
“But wait so Trump thinks he’s the biggest victim and the Most Powerful Man?”
“The wall works its magic,” she said.
“Has anyone died in your presence from cognitive dissonance?”
“Not today,” said Kellyann Creepshow. “By using the Best Wall you are the only one who exists and the only one who has the right to exist; anyone else infringes your resources. Since you’re President you ARE THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. (See everyone gets to be their own President of the World.) You have the right to destroy everything in the world because it’s you and you’re entitled to do what you want with yourself. There is no world; it’s all a wall of You reflecting You back to You back to You back to You. It’s the best thing ever. It insures that you continue to exist. Would you like to join the Republican Party? The Trump Wall comes free if you buy the red hat.”
Suddenly I understood how Trump won the election; this is what he was selling: narcissistic racist psychosis.
All the executive orders I am signing are designed to destroy the elements of the Trumpian Wall-World.
This brings us to Executive Order 5: All borders and thoroughfares in the U.S. will be papered with the U.S. Constitution and the Bill of Rights. The area will operate under the mandate of inclusivity and tolerance. Let us have interlocking paths of people walking, talking and acting freely, holding hands, helping each other. Let us live under the hegemony of linked hands and hearts driven by sound, wise minds and the collective use of power. We will grab the hands of the Dreamers and not let them be taken from us; we will hold on to our undocumented citizens in the power of embrace. To take one, they will have to take all of us.
Executive Order 6 What Is Not a Wall: All citizens and undocumented citizens will find alternative metaphors to guide and ground their thoughts feelings and action. Let us find what is not a wall, and empower these things instead.
I like the image of people punching through any walls and reaching for each other, grabbing on and making an unbreakable grip. I prefer the image of everyone working to take down any Trumpian wall they see, brick by brick. Then we will build houses with these bricks for all of us to abide in.
What is Not a Wall mandates we all ask ourselves what we can do today to take down a piece of the wall, visible or invisible, through effective actions, like what you are doing tonight and what you’ve already done.
Let’s fight this fight together!
Performed live at fundraiser for Santa Fe Dreamers Project.
Ferocious Feminists Fight for Immigrant Rights Poetry and Open Mic night raised over 600 dollars which was donated to the Santa Fe Dreamers Project. Thank you to everyone who performed and everyone who came and donated!
The Paradoxical Nature of Pre-Existing Conditions: A Monograph by Dr. Laughing Coyote of WTF University
Evidently there are now many pre-existing conditions NOT COVERED under the new We-Could-Give-a-Flying-Fuck-Care bill that the House Republi-cretins voted in without even reading it or checking their collective pulses for a conscience.
Being worried about health care coverage these days, (No you had those eyes before you tried to sign up for glasses!) I decided to write to Paul Ryan to ask about what constitutes a “pre-existing condition” according to the AHCA, otherwise known as the Assholes Hurt Consumers Act.
According to Paul Ryan the following are designated as “pre-existing conditions,” which will not be covered under the various sub-categories of the Abolish Health Care Act (AHCA).
-Being unable to remember your fucking passwords
-Having a Russian boyfriend
-Giving a shit about other people
(Math skills are considered to be untreatable pre-existing conditions, so no self-respecting insurance company would deign to insure it.)
Being on Facebook is also a pre-existing condition, as is:
Voting for Hillary
Having your pussy grabbed (Insurers think this isn’t really a disorder, but just in case. One arrogant asshole claimed that if he had a pussy he would want it grabbed night and day.)
Other conditions that will not be covered because they are pre-existing conditions:
Watching Rachel Maddow
Drinking water daily
(It’s not the insurers fault that you believed a malignantly narcissistic con man).
The AHCA (Apocalyptically Harmful Creeps’ Act) also does not cover the following pre-existing conditions:
Pining for Obama
Wishing Trump had the balls to go to his own correspondence dinner
(One insurance representative commented: Our money won’t cover your lack of money. What do you think money is for? It’s to make sure our money has money!)
Other pre-existing conditions for which there is now no insurance:
The Comcast-Verizon Internet
Dying prematurely because of the AHCA (Arrogantly Harmful Cunts’ Act)
In a phone call (because I threw my computer against the wall in a fit of outrage—also not covered under the American Heinous Assholes’ Act), Ryan explained that insurance can’t cover the pre-existing condition called “having no insurance,” or any sequelae. I told him I was going to shove my fist up his sequelae.
Subsequently I was then told that “not having an iPhone anymore because I threw it over 1500 miles at Ryan’s self-satisfied fuckhead” is also a pre-existing condition that no one will pay for. I had to borrow my grandmother’s flip phone so he could tell me that.
Then I asked “What if one of my pre-existing conditions has a pre-existing condition? Wouldn’t they then cancel each other out and then you’d have to cover it?”
This comment was ignored. I suspect the Republican “Nerd” (so called because what exactly is ‘smart’ among Tea Party GOP?) didn’t understand me.
I said, “For example, being a Republican is obviously a pre-existing condition and being a Tea Party Republican is manifestly one also-”
“I don’t follow,” said Ryan.
“You didn’t really pay attention during Nerd Lessons, did you?”
“I don’t follow.”
“Obviously you have a few pre-existing conditions that Democrats are fully paying for. Listen closely. Being a Tea Party member is a pre-existing condition inside the already pre-existing condition of being a Republican. These two things that are proven chronic mental conditions are so awful that they negate civilization creating a manifest emptiness which by definition does not exist (thus it cannot ‘pre-exist’) and therefore must be covered by your own Arrogantly Harmful Cretins Act.”
“Oh, yes, we congressmen do have very good insurance,” said the right wing, brown-nosing pseudo genius, and Speaker of the House.
Refusing to discuss it further, Ryan went on to say that in most states the Aggressively Hurtful Conditions Act does not cover being alive at the time of coverage. “We view being alive as a condition that the state can take no responsibility for, and thus any condition that actually involves respiration, whether natural or enhanced, cannot and should not be covered, because it is the individual’s responsibility for being alive in the first place that is the underlying cause of most illnesses and it is not fair to ask money to pay for that endemic situation.”
I said, “So in order to get coverage, we would have to sign up for the Aggressively Harmful Consumer Act before we are actually alive because actually having enough fingers to fill out the form would be a pre-existing condition?”
“Precisely,” said Ryan.
“So in order to get around this No Pre-existing Conditions Act I have to sign up before I exist?”
I said, “How many people do you think can cope with that kind of planning?”
Apparently in this Asinine Health Can’t Act there are also levels of “pre-existing conditions”, to wit: some conditions exist more than others, and are therefore unqualified for a higher level of coverage; in other word the more something exists, the less likely it is to be covered; and the less a condition exists, the more likely it is to be fully covered by the WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!!? Health Care Act.
The only conditions the AHCA covers are conditions that don’t exist. It should be called the Apocryphal Humanity Coverage Act.
Thus, under this sub-clause:
- All interactions with unicorns are fully covered.
- Accidents involving people with wings are covered.
- Diseases stemming from telepathy are widely insured.
- Chronic illnesses stemming from chronic prescience are actually pre-covered: you get money from the government before you come down with viral omniscience.
Donald Trump’s brain is, obviously, also fully insured.
Faced with this, I thought about shooting myself, but wasn’t sure if I existed enough to be successful. And then I received a call from a philosopher who had a whole different take on the semantics of the issue.
“This shouldn’t stand up in court,” said Philosophical Phil (his friends call him Philoso-Phil). “To pre-exist means you don’t exist, so that means pre-existing conditions can’t exist and they can’t keep you from having insurance.”
“So that means they have to insure me even if I breathe on a regular basis, watch Rachel Maddow, vote Democratic and understand facts?”
“Looks that way.”
“I believe they may have fucked themselves, I said.
“Also not a pre-existing condition,” said Philoso-Phil.
So, armed with this knowledge, insurance fans, let’s all write to our insurance companies and legislative branches and lawyers pointing out that there is a logical inconsistency in their plan to kill us all and take our money.
I’m so relieved that having a new iPhone 6 isn’t a pre-existing condition, but I am now insanely worried about the unicorns.
The Laughing Coyote
Day 92: Trumpaggedon
Dems Finally Find Solution to Trumpageddon: Duct Tape
We are all about solutions here at the DCCC. Duct Tape can fix anything.
Our first step will be to seal President Dump’s mouth shut. We will also place duct tape on all his phones so he can’t tweet. Then we will capture his cabinet members one by one (we’ll put a Muslim outside the White House waving a legal visa to lure them outside) and then we’ll wrap each one up like a silver mummy and leave them on the White House lawn. We plan to use red duct tape on Kellyanne Conway’s mouth to match both her lipstick and the color of shame that her face should be. We will also use some tape on that drooping right eye of hers so we won’t have to look it all day. (Someone should really get her to read The Picture of Dorian Gray).
Then we will wind duct tape around both houses of Congress so no one can get into the building and pass any legislation for the next four years.
Then it’s on to the Supreme Court where we will send Merrick Garland into the building, with snacks, to join the eight other justices and then tape shut all the windows and doors so no one can get in or out.
After that we will send Seal Team 6 into Russia and duct tape Putin to Siberia. Subsequently, we will use the entire Western supply of duct tape to tape over Russia. The Middle East will then chill out because they’ll see we mean business, and because they don’t want to spend the next four years under some plastic-y, grey gluey shit, they will just shut the fuck up and keep killing themselves.
North Korea will get totally wrapped up in producing and testing this newfangled Duct Tape (despite sanctions); China will wrap themselves in duct tape because that’s how they are, and with the amount left over from the black market, we Democrats can build a bunker completely out of duct tape and hunker down and wait until 2020, when we can pull Hillary out of her duct taped-sealed bubble wrap container and run her again, after we duct tape shut the electoral college, so democracy can actually fucking work.
It’s not a nuclear winter, but it will do.
This DCCC think tank is sponsored by Duct Tape. (Trump thinks it is spelled “Duck Tape” and that’s how we’ll get the drop on him. The NSA thinks we are talking about hunting.)
Make a contribution now to the DCCC and receive a pair of balls completely made out of blue duct tape!
Laughing Coyote Reporting
It’s exciting being part of the solution!
I just finished ordering an online lobotomy so I can get through the next 4 years. I know I will not need my brain anytime soon. The lobotomy comes with DIY instructions that even an already brainless idiot can follow.
My other option is selling my brain on eBay. Then I can finance a trip to Washington, D.C. to interview for a job in the Trump Ass-ministration as the head of Intelligence. I figure my reptilian brain is pretty much all I’ll need for that so I will make sure not to sell my brainstem or medulla.
I will also be renting out my heart for the next 4 years. Who needs one of those in this climate? I have posted my heart on RentAnOrgan.gov so if you, or someone you know, need a heart (like a Trump supporter) you can bid on it and give it to them for New Year’s as revenge. Expect to compete in a bidding war because President-Elect Dump and his boyfriend Putin are racing to collect all human hearts and burn them in this new FuckOverFest cold war that is now our collective reality. The stupid people have finally won!! Now everything will be great! Because Ignorance always makes Everything Better!
Being the oracular business woman that I am, I also bought ownership of the Wizard of Oz song If I Only Had a Brain, sung by The Scarecrow. I am going to make so much freakin’ money owning next year’s theme song!
Welcome to 2017: how stupid can a country be and still exist? Stay tuned for the answer which will probably come late next year. Already little girls are asking: Can an apocalypse have an apocalypse?
I think my lobotomy is going to need a lobotomy.
It’s 1404 days until the next election: how are you surviving?
The Laughing Coyote
While just trying to get through Day 11 Year 1 of AT (After Trump), and being unable to watch the news because of some terrible orange virus of ignorance pumping itself through every facet of our lives, I needed something to do. So I decided to secede. Realizing I didn’t want to secede all by myself I asked some people at Trader Joe’s if they wanted to secede also. They did. Before long everyone was clamoring to be included.
At approximately 4:32pm New Mexican time, New Mexico succeeded from the United States. (We argue that, really, the U.S. succeeded from us.)
Welcome to the United States of New Mexico! (Don’t worry, President-Elect Cheeto Head doesn’t know where we are. Like half of America, he thinks we are part of Mexico. We are the only state that has U.S.A on our license plates. Well not anymore!)
I appointed Hillary Clinton as President and figure Vice-President Tim Kaine can coach her on Spanish since running The United States of New Mexico isn’t going to take up all her time. We are going to get her some great Day of the Dead pant suits. The dream lives on!
Rachel Maddow will be Secretary of State since she knows how to talk diplomatically to clowns and is immune to patriarchy.
All other positions are open. Please apply here. Those people who know how to construct a wall to keep everyone else out of here should definitely speak up.
I will be the head Fool of State, since I am only good for saying things and pointing out the obvious. My cat however, is interested in being the Secretary of the Interior, in charge of the arrangement of blankets on the bed.
We won’t even deport those of you who voted for Trump. It may not be your fault you’re an idiot. But those Democrats who voted third party, or didn’t vote at all? It’s definitely your fault you’re an idiot. But fifteen minutes of looking over the wall from the United States of Mexico to the ruins in the rest of the country will fix that broken I.Q. regardless of which part of stupid you were standing on before.
It’s 1444 days until 2020 election. Until then Hillary can stay at my house. And those pesky license plates? Duct tape. Cover the USA with duct tape. You can fix everything with duct tape. Even an election.
Trump loved my last post: Make Rape Great Again! in which I reported on all the new words being approved by dictionaries and travel guides around the world: words like Trumpaggedon, Trumpapath, Trumpsogeny and What the Trump?
Here’s what he tweeted to me today: I loved your idea: Make America Rape Again! It’s great! And your idea of putting my name in all the words in English. It’s Trumptastic.
Me: that’s not what I fucking meant you Cheeto Bag.
Trump: Will you come work for me?
I told him to Trump Off.
Then I applied for a Visa to North Korea: it’s safer there.
It’s 1445 days until the 2020 election. How are you coping?
The Laughing Coyote