“Why Aren’t NFL Cheerleaders Protesting During the National Anthem?” reads the headline on an NBC News site.
I laugh because that’s the stupidest question I’ve ever seen. It cancels itself out before it finishes being asked.
Because they are part of the problem!
No society that isn’t fundamentally sexist would even have cheerleaders. They are part of the system.
If it weren’t sexist: there would be whole squads of male cheerleaders. But where’s the men’s team that cheers me on during childbirth? How about a bunch of men doing hip-grinding, pelvis-oriented dances to get women through their periods? And I sure as fuck could use some male cheerleaders to get me through menopause. Where is my high- kicking, ass-waggling, pom pom-bearing man squad?
I’ve never meet a feminist cheerleader in my life.
Oh look at those big strong men. Look at me, sexy, barely clothed woman, waggling my boobs and butt and eating lettuce all day so the men can look at me and be glad they have a penis. Football wouldn’t be complete without slapping an objectified woman on top of it to make it sexy on top of simply being brutally competitive.
There are no NFL cheerleaders protesting for their rights because they know they don’t have any. They exist to please and excite the men for money and that’s it. It’s an athletic form of prostitution; a stadium size strip-club.
That is not to say they aren’t intelligent and talented, but they are willing to prostitute themselves to a stupid, narrow-minded, racist, sexist patriarchal system. Being a cheerleader is the same thing as white women voting for Trump.
Now you want to ask the question again? It’s like asking why Trump voters aren’t taking a knee. My other answer to that is they aren’t taking a knee because they’re too busy bending over.
Cheerleaders are the Condaleeza Rice of feminism: the Kellyanne Conway of women’s rights. There is no knee, except to kneel before patriarchy and take its hallowed member into one’s mouth.
Yes, I was a cheerleader, so shut up. And when I saw what was really going on, I quit and joined the basketball team. The women’s basketball team. If cheerleaders want society to change, they all need to quit their jobs and do something useful, something that empowers women instead of entrenching sexism and its incestuous cousin, racism, even further.
Otherwise let’s all just learn to enjoy our Pussy Grabbing Society and cheer it on!
LET’S GO PATRIARCHY!!!!!
Day 92: Trumpaggedon
Dems Finally Find Solution to Trumpageddon: Duct Tape
We are all about solutions here at the DCCC. Duct Tape can fix anything.
Our first step will be to seal President Dump’s mouth shut. We will also place duct tape on all his phones so he can’t tweet. Then we will capture his cabinet members one by one (we’ll put a Muslim outside the White House waving a legal visa to lure them outside) and then we’ll wrap each one up like a silver mummy and leave them on the White House lawn. We plan to use red duct tape on Kellyanne Conway’s mouth to match both her lipstick and the color of shame that her face should be. We will also use some tape on that drooping right eye of hers so we won’t have to look it all day. (Someone should really get her to read The Picture of Dorian Gray).
Then we will wind duct tape around both houses of Congress so no one can get into the building and pass any legislation for the next four years.
Then it’s on to the Supreme Court where we will send Merrick Garland into the building, with snacks, to join the eight other justices and then tape shut all the windows and doors so no one can get in or out.
After that we will send Seal Team 6 into Russia and duct tape Putin to Siberia. Subsequently, we will use the entire Western supply of duct tape to tape over Russia. The Middle East will then chill out because they’ll see we mean business, and because they don’t want to spend the next four years under some plastic-y, grey gluey shit, they will just shut the fuck up and keep killing themselves.
North Korea will get totally wrapped up in producing and testing this newfangled Duct Tape (despite sanctions); China will wrap themselves in duct tape because that’s how they are, and with the amount left over from the black market, we Democrats can build a bunker completely out of duct tape and hunker down and wait until 2020, when we can pull Hillary out of her duct taped-sealed bubble wrap container and run her again, after we duct tape shut the electoral college, so democracy can actually fucking work.
It’s not a nuclear winter, but it will do.
This DCCC think tank is sponsored by Duct Tape. (Trump thinks it is spelled “Duck Tape” and that’s how we’ll get the drop on him. The NSA thinks we are talking about hunting.)
Make a contribution now to the DCCC and receive a pair of balls completely made out of blue duct tape!
Laughing Coyote Reporting
It’s exciting being part of the solution!
Who needs Lexapro when you have Button The Cat?
Button, formerly a very successful plus size cat model for FAT CAT Magazine, has agreed to come out of early retirement in order to make the end of the world more palatable!
No one needs to feel bad during Trumpageddon! A good apocalypse should be enjoyed!
And who needs all that Paxil, Prozac, Wellbutrin, and the new one just out last month, Soma, when all you really need is a chubby white cat with an eating disorder to get you through each day of the month on a calendar!
Button the Cat’s Suicide Prevention Calendar, YEAR 1 A.T.* (*After Trump)
Whatever he’s on, I want some!
A little kitty porn pole dancing to get you through. . .
Maybe eating all five birds was a bad idea. . .
I’m not just another pretty face
Therapy Cat works great!
I’m in here with the dishes making decisions for our country
I AM YOUR VALIUM!
Everything is better with a friend
(That is Button’s best friend, Onyx.)
Let me in the house and I will save you
Available without prescription
Yes I am organic and I do cat yoga
More effective than OxyContin. Happy Holidays!
Bonus pictures in case you haven’t ordered your 2018 Anti-depressant Cat Calendar and need some more to tide you over!
I am one with the blanket, I am one with the blanket. Relax….midterms are only eleven months away now
IT’S THE LOVE CATS!
I just finished ordering an online lobotomy so I can get through the next 4 years. I know I will not need my brain anytime soon. The lobotomy comes with DIY instructions that even an already brainless idiot can follow.
My other option is selling my brain on eBay. Then I can finance a trip to Washington, D.C. to interview for a job in the Trump Ass-ministration as the head of Intelligence. I figure my reptilian brain is pretty much all I’ll need for that so I will make sure not to sell my brainstem or medulla.
I will also be renting out my heart for the next 4 years. Who needs one of those in this climate? I have posted my heart on RentAnOrgan.gov so if you, or someone you know, need a heart (like a Trump supporter) you can bid on it and give it to them for New Year’s as revenge. Expect to compete in a bidding war because President-Elect Dump and his boyfriend Putin are racing to collect all human hearts and burn them in this new FuckOverFest cold war that is now our collective reality. The stupid people have finally won!! Now everything will be great! Because Ignorance always makes Everything Better!
Being the oracular business woman that I am, I also bought ownership of the Wizard of Oz song If I Only Had a Brain, sung by The Scarecrow. I am going to make so much freakin’ money owning next year’s theme song!
Welcome to 2017: how stupid can a country be and still exist? Stay tuned for the answer which will probably come late next year. Already little girls are asking: Can an apocalypse have an apocalypse?
I think my lobotomy is going to need a lobotomy.
It’s 1404 days until the next election: how are you surviving?
The Laughing Coyote
While just trying to get through Day 11 Year 1 of AT (After Trump), and being unable to watch the news because of some terrible orange virus of ignorance pumping itself through every facet of our lives, I needed something to do. So I decided to secede. Realizing I didn’t want to secede all by myself I asked some people at Trader Joe’s if they wanted to secede also. They did. Before long everyone was clamoring to be included.
At approximately 4:32pm New Mexican time, New Mexico succeeded from the United States. (We argue that, really, the U.S. succeeded from us.)
Welcome to the United States of New Mexico! (Don’t worry, President-Elect Cheeto Head doesn’t know where we are. Like half of America, he thinks we are part of Mexico. We are the only state that has U.S.A on our license plates. Well not anymore!)
I appointed Hillary Clinton as President and figure Vice-President Tim Kaine can coach her on Spanish since running The United States of New Mexico isn’t going to take up all her time. We are going to get her some great Day of the Dead pant suits. The dream lives on!
Rachel Maddow will be Secretary of State since she knows how to talk diplomatically to clowns and is immune to patriarchy.
All other positions are open. Please apply here. Those people who know how to construct a wall to keep everyone else out of here should definitely speak up.
I will be the head Fool of State, since I am only good for saying things and pointing out the obvious. My cat however, is interested in being the Secretary of the Interior, in charge of the arrangement of blankets on the bed.
We won’t even deport those of you who voted for Trump. It may not be your fault you’re an idiot. But those Democrats who voted third party, or didn’t vote at all? It’s definitely your fault you’re an idiot. But fifteen minutes of looking over the wall from the United States of Mexico to the ruins in the rest of the country will fix that broken I.Q. regardless of which part of stupid you were standing on before.
It’s 1444 days until 2020 election. Until then Hillary can stay at my house. And those pesky license plates? Duct tape. Cover the USA with duct tape. You can fix everything with duct tape. Even an election.
Trump loved my last post: Make Rape Great Again! in which I reported on all the new words being approved by dictionaries and travel guides around the world: words like Trumpaggedon, Trumpapath, Trumpsogeny and What the Trump?
Here’s what he tweeted to me today: I loved your idea: Make America Rape Again! It’s great! And your idea of putting my name in all the words in English. It’s Trumptastic.
Me: that’s not what I fucking meant you Cheeto Bag.
Trump: Will you come work for me?
I told him to Trump Off.
Then I applied for a Visa to North Korea: it’s safer there.
It’s 1445 days until the 2020 election. How are you coping?
The Laughing Coyote