Trump Presidency

What Is Not A Wall

In this episode, Comedian Laughing Coyote Punches Holes in Trump’s Wall-World, announces candidacy for President 2020, interviews President Fuckface von Trump-Slug and Kellyann Creepshow, analyses the psychological meanings of the WTF Wall, and finds a metaphor real people can live with.

Performed live at fundraiser for Santa Fe Dreamers Project,  October 2017.

Live Audio and transcript below.

 

What Is Not a Wall   

Because I keep waking up every day realizing that I, a neurotic introvert, would still make a better a President, I am staging a coup right now. I’m declaring myself President. I have a plan. Who is with me?

President Fuckface von Clownstick has said,“We’re going to build a Wall.”

I refuse the hegemony of this metaphor: I will not live in Wall-World.

As President, my first executive order will be a ban on believing things just because you believe them. This will make believing things without facts to back them up, illegal, or at least extremely difficult. So we may end up deporting Christianity accidentally, but I don’t see that as a problem—No more dinosaurs attending Christ’s crucifixion! How sad.

Thus, this will insure that you can’t just say anything or think anything when facing a problem. Imaginary solutions are extremely effective only with imaginary problems. We fact checked that. We looked for problems that didn’t exist and then counted how many times they got solved. Some fascinating data there.

Executive Order number 2 will ban Blaming the Victim :  We are outlawing the belief that powerless people are so dangerous  that they must be deported, maimed, killed or imprisoned. We are forbidding the belief that most social problems in the United States are created by the people are who have almost no political or economic power. Who the fuck thought that up?

“Hey white rich man! Are you powerful or not? Make up your mind! If you are powerful you don’t need to deport people who aren’t. Is your power that shaky?”

Executive Order #3:  We are outlawing the white race—mainly because it doesn’t exist. If it did there would be such a thing as Caucasian food. I dare you to go into a restaurant and order Caucasian food and see what happens. Like Twinkies and Velveeta the white race is artificially constructed, has no nutrition, and is packaged with sugar to make it seem yummy and palatable. It’s false and bad for your health. It maintains power by splitting people into two groups: those who believe in the racist purity of the Twinkie, and those who eat real, nutritious, multicultural food. Let’s stop with the Hitler Snack Cakes already and admit that everyone likes a good salad with veggies of all colors and origins. Let’s participate in the hegemony of the tossed salad rather than a wall of white wonderbread—if you’ve ever eaten wonderbread you wonder how anyone could think it’s bread. Analogously, how in the world can a wall mean freedom?

My fourth executive order will be to ban all walls around and inside the United states. We’ll call it the Wall-Ban.  (Some idiots will think we are banning Wal-Mart. . . which may not be a bad idea.)

The only wall that will be allowed is the wall we’ll build to house all the other walls we are no longer using.  (Walls to keep deer out of gardens with be grandfathered in).  Walls that will be banned behind the Wall-To-End-all-Walls  are:  a) the border wall, b) the wall around the hearts of Republicans and racists (oh I’m sorry that’s redundant) and c) the wall around Trump’s fucking brain that keeps it from functioning in reality and d) the wall of magical thinking that is dominating our nation at the moment.

Research shows that walls almost never have the intended effect and are indeed, when used with a proscription, are almost uniformly ineffective.

For example:

Woman 1: I’m having trouble paying my health insurance.

Trump: Have you considered using a wall?

Woman 2:    I need an abortion but all the Planned Parenthoodsare gone.

Trump: You should use the vaginal wall. It’s a great wall. It’s made of vaginas.

Man: My kid is struggling in a poor school district and isn’t learning anything.

Trump: Tell him to sit closer to the wall.

Teenage girl: I am going to be deported. I have no family in Mexico anymore.

Trump:  There’s a wall that can help you with that but you need to be on the

other side of it.

Young Man:          I’m driving to work and the breaks on my car are broken-

Trump:  Don’t worry. We built a wall across that stretch of road last month. It’ll                               stop your car for sure.

Please note: You can use this style of argument with Trump supporters in the grocery store or at Thanksgiving to show them how stupid they are.

I then did some investigative reporting. I got an interview with President Fuckface.

“Mr. President I am having very sad feelings about the plight undocumented immigrants and dreamers.”

“Obviously you need a wall. That would fix you right up. You wouldn’t see or feel any of that with a good wall.”

“But I have a wall. I got one right after the election because I knew the price of walls would go up. But I still feel bad.”

“You need a bigger wall, obviously,” said Trump.

“Well I did that too. At the first sign of feeling bad, I added a couple of stories; when I got sick, I added some more. But I’m sicker. It isn’t working. And it’s getting so tall I’m afraid it’s going to fall on me.”

“Well you’ll need a wall for that.”

“I need a wall to protect me from a wall?” I said.

“It happens. Or maybe you need the best wall. ATrump Wall. I’ll have my assistant describe how it works. I would tell you myself but I don’t really understand how it works, plus but I have to go fix some holes in my Wall; some facts about Dreamers have punched their way through.”

So then Kellyann Creepshow way showed up and took me to a castle and moat.  They called it Moat-a-Lago

“We have the best moats,” she said.

“What about bridges?” I said. “I’m more in a bridge kind of mood.”

 

“We don’t do bridges,” she said. “That’s something a Mexican would do.”

I shuddered and managed not to strangle her.  Inside the building,  I looked around, “Where’s the Trump wall?”

“It’s a special wall; she said. “It’s mostly invisible. You know like thoughts.”

(I suddenly had a thought.  Maybe Trump will just end up pretending he built a wall that deported Dreamers and undocumented souls and he won’t really do it.  And that would mean we could just tell him that he already blew up North Korea.)

Meanwhile Miss Creepway was saying, “You should buy and use a Trump-Grade Wall. This wall is the best because can just project your own reality on it, whatever you want it to be. You can’t see over it, or around it. This wall keeps out anything you think is bad, including other people and facts. You can enable your psychological wall (we call it the psycho wall for short) with the Unidirectional Osmotic Projection System that projects your own unwanted history, feelings, thoughts, emotions and weaknesses, psychological wounds and traumas onto other people so you can hate them instead of yourself.  Everyone else becomes an angry, childish, liar, while you remain pristine and perfect inside.  You are good; they are bad. You are the powerful victim able to be hurt by a butterfly wing and empowered by nukes.”

“Powerful victim?” I said having not heard that before.

“Oh yes, the Trump Wall allows you to be so easily victimized that you become the most powerful Adult  Toddler.”

“But that shows the wall isn’t working right?”

“It’s working perfectly.”

“But wait so Trump thinks he’s the biggest victim and the Most Powerful Man?”

“The wall works its magic,” she said.

“Has anyone died in your presence from cognitive dissonance?”

“Not today,” said Kellyann Creepshow.  “By using the Best Wall you are the only one who exists and the only one who has the right to exist; anyone else infringes your resources. Since you’re President you ARE THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. (See everyone gets to be their own President of the World.) You have the right to destroy everything in the world because it’s you and you’re entitled to do what you want with yourself.  There is no world; it’s all a wall of You reflecting You back to You back to You back to You.  It’s the best thing ever. It insures that you continue to exist. Would you like to join the Republican Party? The Trump Wall comes free if you buy the red hat.”

Suddenly I understood how Trump won the election; this is what he was selling: narcissistic racist psychosis.

All the executive orders I am signing are designed to destroy the elements of the Trumpian Wall-World.

This brings us to Executive Order 5: All borders and thoroughfares in the U.S. will be papered with the U.S. Constitution and the Bill of Rights. The area will operate under the mandate of inclusivity and tolerance.  Let us have interlocking paths of people walking, talking and acting freely, holding hands, helping each other.  Let us live under the hegemony of linked hands and hearts driven by sound, wise minds and the collective use of power. We will grab the hands of the Dreamers and not let them be taken from us; we will hold on to our undocumented citizens in the power of embrace. To take one, they will have to take all of us.

Executive Order 6 What Is Not a Wall:  All citizens and undocumented citizens will find alternative metaphors to guide and ground their thoughts feelings and action. Let us find what is not a wall, and empower these things instead.

I like the image of people punching through any walls and reaching for each other, grabbing on and making an unbreakable grip. I prefer the image of everyone working to take down any Trumpian wall they see, brick by brick. Then we will build houses with these bricks for all of us to abide in.

What is Not a Wall mandates we all ask ourselves what we can do today  to take down a piece of the wall, visible or invisible, through effective actions, like what you are doing tonight and what you’ve already done.

Let’s fight this fight together!

___________________________________________________________

Performed live at fundraiser for Santa Fe Dreamers Project.

Ferocious Feminists Fight for Immigrant Rights Poetry and Open Mic night raised over 600 dollars which was donated to the Santa Fe Dreamers Project. Thank you to everyone who performed and everyone who came and donated!

 

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Categories: coping with Trump, immigration rights, political humor and satire, psychology humor, racism, Trump Presidency, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

FEROCIOUS FEMINISTS FIGHT FOR IMMIGRATION RIGHTS-Open-mic fundraiser, Santa Fe, Oct 22

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Categories: immigration rights, racism, Trump Presidency | Tags: , | Leave a comment

Why Aren’t NFL Cheerleaders Kneeling During the Anthem? Who says they aren’t?

“Why Aren’t NFL Cheerleaders Protesting During the National Anthem?” reads the headline on an NBC News site.

I laugh because that’s the stupidest question I’ve ever seen. It cancels itself out before it finishes being asked.

Because they are part of the problem!

No society that isn’t fundamentally sexist would even have cheerleaders. They are part of the system.

If it weren’t sexist: there would be whole squads of male cheerleaders. But  where’s the men’s team that cheers me on during childbirth? How about a bunch of men doing hip-grinding, pelvis-oriented dances to get women through their periods? And I sure as fuck could use some male cheerleaders to get me through menopause.  Where is my high- kicking, ass-waggling, pom pom-bearing man squad?

I’ve never meet a feminist cheerleader in my life.

Oh look at those big strong men. Look at me, sexy, barely clothed woman, waggling my boobs and butt and eating lettuce all day so the men can look at me and be glad they have a penis. Football wouldn’t be complete without slapping an objectified woman on top of it to make it sexy on top of simply being brutally competitive.

There are no NFL cheerleaders protesting for their rights because they know they don’t have any. They exist to please and excite the men for money and that’s it. It’s an athletic form of prostitution; a stadium size strip-club.

That is not to say they aren’t intelligent and talented, but they are willing to prostitute themselves to a stupid, narrow-minded, racist, sexist patriarchal system. Being a cheerleader is the same thing as white women voting for Trump.

Now you want to ask the question again? It’s like asking why Trump voters aren’t taking a knee.  My other answer to that is they aren’t taking a knee because they’re too busy bending over.

Cheerleaders are the Condaleeza Rice of feminism: the Kellyanne Conway of women’s rights.  There is no knee, except to kneel before patriarchy and take its hallowed member into one’s mouth.

Any questions?

Yes, I was a cheerleader, so shut up. And when I saw what was really going on, I quit and joined the basketball team. The women’s basketball team. If cheerleaders want society to change, they all need to quit their jobs and do something useful, something that empowers women instead of  entrenching sexism and its incestuous cousin, racism, even further.

Otherwise let’s all just learn to enjoy our Pussy Grabbing Society and cheer it on!

LET’S GO PATRIARCHY!!!!!

Laughing Coyote

Categories: feminism, patriarchy, racism, Trump Presidency, Uncategorized, women's humor | Tags: , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Trump Mandates Airlines Use Less Words during Customer Service Interactions: Fly the Freedom Skies!

 

Fly the Freedom Skies

 

This Memo was leaked from an official at Preferican Airlines.

 

 

 

MEMORANDUM                                                   June 19, 2017

From:          Preferican Airlines CEO and Executive Board

To:               Preferican Airlines Board Members and Customer                                          Service Agents

Subject:        FLYING THE FREEDOM SKIES:

                    Guidelines for In-Communication with Customers

Due to the Trump Administration, which will make American Great Again, budget cuts have been necessary here at Preferican Airlines.

After a thorough cost-benefit analysis, management has determined that it is more profitable for Customer Service Agents to only use approximately half of the words normally used to communicate information to customers, leaving it to the discretion of the employees to decide which words to omit given a particular conversation.

Although management has the greatest trust in our employees’ discretion in these matters, we have written below some general guidance to provide a modicum of direction and ease in your upcoming In-communications. (For clarification about what In-communication means, see the Trump Twitter Message 8005: What Words Do Mean Really Anyway? and the joint publication by Kelly Ann Conway and Sean Spicer: How to Say Nothing and Still Get It Wrong, enclosed in this informational packet. Guidelines as to what Trump means when he uses words will be published later this year if anyone can ever figure that out.) These

In-communication recommendations will, starting next week, be included in the Preferican Airlines Operations Manual, in abbreviated form of course.

First we recommend that Agents say only half of what they would have said before, so something like, “Your gate has been changed. You are now departing from gate F7,” will sound something like, “Your gate has been changed.”  A silent, slightly expectant gaze at the customer should then be deployed. If the customer says nothing, the Agent should remain silent until the Agent receives further impetus from the customer. If being silent proves too problematic, Preferican Airlines will provide paid training sessions for those Agents who are still saying too much.

Second, when possible, the Agent should replace lengthy communications (defined by the Trump Administration as five words or more) with short snappy phrases, such as, “I don’t know,” “I can’t help you,” or “Call the  1-800 number,” or during periods of severe economic slowdown, replacing verbalization with a blank stare, tinged with resigned diffidence and a touch of pique and censure, making it incumbent upon the customer to provide his or her own answers to such inconvenient and time consuming questions as:

Where is my gate?

How much time between connecting flights?

So am I flying stand-by or not?

Is the plane broken?

Third, stopping in the middle of an otherwise complete sentence and refusing to continue can save the company the cost of many words, and may indeed mean a raise for those who can say the least in the most amount of time. Agents should not feel guilty about this because most mature travelers are perfectly capable of finishing other people’s sentences for them. It is no longer the responsibility of the airline to provide services that the customer can provide on his or her own.  (See the Operation’s Manual, Chapter 3: The Customer Brings his Own Sandwich, and also the chapter called, Autopilot: Not Just for the Cockpit).

For foreign travelers, at the economical price of $35, Preferican Airlines sells smart phones apps (called iGreat and WordU) which are capable of instantly generating the recommended questions to ask in any Agent-Ticket-Counter-Passenger situation. Thus, even algorithmic sets of inquiries can take place with minimum involvement from any Agent that might happen to be standing there in front of the customer at any time.

For example:

Does the plane leave from gate C47?  C48?  C49?

Will I be leaving at 7:40, 7:41, 7:50, 9:50? 11pm.  Tomorrow afternoon? Never? Should I take the bus? Why has God forsaken me?

Such apps will also be helpful in determining the various meanings of “reservation”, “upgrade”,” acts of god”, “customer assistance”, and “delay.” They will also include revisionist interpretations of “flight” and “departure”, “arrival” and “luggage,” in keeping with contemporary sensibilities.

The fourth way an Agent can maximize his sentence inefficiency is for the Agent to end most of his sentences with an audible question mark and then stare at the customer expectantly, which places the onus on the customer to provide the motivation and direction of the conversation.  The airline is here to fly, not to talk about flying. Thus “You missed your flight. Let me see what else might be available,” turns into, “You missed your flight?” and then a silent look that could be interpreted by the customer as a reprimand.

As stated in last year’s customer service policy updates, we believe it is the Agent’s job to communicate moral disgust to those folks who cannot seem to get to a plane on time, especially if those customers practice yoga. Missed flights create too much use of language for Agents. Think In-communication, NOT communication!

We recommend disapproving body-language, facial gestures, hand signals, and sounds that make a customer feel bad for being late, creating the impetus for customers to police themselves and to perhaps inspire them also to learn how to control automobile traffic, electric outages, terrorist attacks, car batteries and the weather.

When all else fails and the customer still expects some kind of help, the Customer Service Agent should then call security and have them punch the customer in the mouth so that she stops talking and maybe passes out and has to go to the hospital meaning that Agents can then sell the seat to someone else, provided the new customer simply uses hand signals.

Agents should never admit a mistake. Sometimes customers will say things like, “You booked me onto this flight last night after I missed my scheduled flight. I stood here and watched you. How do you think I got this print-out and the number of the flight and showed up at the right time? I’m only checking in because I have luggage. How could I not be in the computer?”

Here it is important for Agents to simply stare blankly at the customer, giving no sign that what he says makes any kind of sense. Employing an emotionless robot voice is also helpful. Agents should say things like, “          “There’s no record of that transaction here. You will have to call Customer Service.”

“But I’m standing right here,” the customer will probably say. “And so are you!”

“Customer Service,” is what the Agent should repeat. No verbs should be added. And then the Agent should shake his or her head and make clucking noises in order to make the customer feel like he is an unfortunate simpleton.

Alternatively, after looking over the customer’s notes or paperwork while again shaking the head and looking perplexed, Agents can simply ask: How do you know exactly that you are supposed to be on this flight?

See instructions below for reading the signs of an imminent meltdown on the customer’s face. Remember that any passenger who is in hysterical verbal paroxysms is one that Agents are entitled to completely ignore, saving heaps of all that very expensive language (See Operations Manual Chapter 24Why Your Anger at Us is Not Our Problem Even if It’s Our Fault).

A fifth technique of customer In-communication consists of saying just enough to get the customer really curious about her fate, forcing her to step forward in her life and take responsibility. Preferican Airlines refuses to take any kind of responsibility for getting a passenger from one place to the other when the passenger is obviously very capable of doing it for herself, even though she has bought a ticket so she doesn’t have to. Those who are not capable of doing so should not be flying.

Thus the communication, “I can’t find your reservation in the computer; let me see what I can do,” turns into “I can’t find you anywhere,” with the nasty implication that perhaps the person standing at the ticket counter trying to go to Dallas does not exist. Proving that one does exist despite lack of paperwork to the contrary is one of the primary survival mechanisms of contemporary civilized human beings, and should provide the necessary angst for the passenger to start asking his or her own questions and providing his or her own answers, obviating the need for Agents to do anything at all, providing immense savings to the company. This is in keeping with the new Preferican Airlines slogan:  The Less Service the Better.

Preferican Airlines management predicts that customer satisfaction will rise rather than fall as the result of implementing these In-communication policies because passengers will be proud of themselves for independently working their way through problems that were previously thought to be insurmountable, thus building sense of self-esteem and empowerment in would-be passengers. Think of the sense of ego-inflation that occurs when a customer finds that she is unmistakably the sole cause of a miracle: getting on a plane when she has a ticket!

In the privacy of the home (and never at the ticket counter) Agents should imagine what it is like to be a contemporary passenger: to feel the pride that comes when all the others around you have collapsed into wailing heaps on the airport floor while you step over their beleaguered bodies and shredded spirits on the way to the x-ray machines in the spirit of unmitigated Darwinism.

Being an unassisted passenger these days can be a really incredible high: would you, as a respectable Agent, want to remove this potential for a peak experience from any passenger? It is obvious that Agents serve the greater good; by providing the right verbal impasse at the right time, natural selection kicks in to determine who really has the right to fly although everyone has bought a ticket. Only those most deserving, those most willing to work for it; only those who can remain inside the air-conditioned ramp of reasonableness in the midst of insoluble interlocutory obstacles will be welcome to fly the friendly skies of freedom.

It is in this way that the management and employees of Preferican Airlines are looking at the big picture; the overall welfare of the customers in the context of their lives instead of being concerned with simple transportation from one place to another. Employees can rest assured, therefore, that this systematic way of denying service to customers is actually a valuable service, one that Preferican Airlines will be charging for starting in the next fiscal year. A surcharge of $10 will be added to the price of a ticket for the extra silence Customer Service Agents are obligated to use on a daily basis.

This long term vision of Lifetime Passenger Welfare more than offsets any initial negative consequences from a customer’s aggravation that not only can he not get on the plane, that no one will even speak to him reasonably about it. Because of these new In-communication Policies that allow customers to become better and stronger people, after an initial lag, customer satisfaction levels over the long term are expected to increase, and Preferican Airlines will be able to ensure the current customer base and perhaps increase it, resulting in better job security for certain tiers of employees who have proven to be most deserving, in a word, the most silent.

In sum, all transactions with customers should end on a positive note where the Agent communicates honestly the corporation’s gratitude that the customer has chosen Preferican Airlines, thus the following phrase should be used copiously:  Thank you for trying to Fly the Freedom Skies.

 

Remember staff: Incommunicate Responsibly!

______________________________________________________

 

Laughing Coyote has written the following in response to the new great regulations:

 

Strategies for Validating Your Own Reality while at an airplane ticket counter

The 6 Signs you have a reservation to fly in a plane somewhere

  1. You have a ticket in your hand or on your phone
  2. The ticket has your name on it.
  3. You are at the airport (planes are visible)
  4. You have luggage
  5. The person who brought you here has left
  6. A stranger is threatening to check your underwear for bombs and you can’t call the police because they are the police.
  7. Everyone looks like a terrorist.

————–

Note:  Potential Candidates for becoming a Preferican Airline’s passenger should be aware of the following:

The guidelines for Flying the Freedom Skies are consistent with the

socio-economic policies of the Trump Administration, the summary of which reads as such.

  1. It’s always wartime so every man for himself. (The other gender has been cancelled).
  2. Don’t expect anyone to do anything for you because that’s socialism, not fascism.

 

 

 

 

 

Categories: coping with Trump, fake news, political humor and satire, travel humor, Trump Presidency | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

Furious Feminists Fight Fascism Open Mic and Fundraiser-Santa Fe NM May 20

Laughing Coyote Productions Presents:

FEROCIOUS FEMINISTS FIGHT FASCISM!

OPEN MIC and FUNDRAISER

Performances include The Problem with Lady Viagra (Deborah Stehr) and The Pussy Has the Power (Kristin Barendsen)mic_me Kristin open mic

Saturday, May 20, 6:00 to 8pm

Iconik Coffee Roasters, 1600 Lena St,

Santa Fe, New Mexico

webpage: Bit.ly/FerociousFFF

Writers, musicians, performance artists, and our fans — come out for an inspiring night of creativity and resistance! Sign up at 5:45 p.m. and keep your piece to 7 minutes max.

Politically oriented work encouraged (but not required). Performers of all genders welcome. Parents, note that there will be some adult language and themes.

Suggested donation $5, but no one will be turned away for lack of funds. Iconik’s delicious pastries and self-serve coffee will be available for purchase. All proceeds will be donated to Adelante, serving homeless families in Santa Fe.

Join in the fight for human rights, women, people of color, our earth and animals, LGBTQ people, the arts, peace, the Constitution, freedom of speech, democracy, and sanity!

unnamed (8)                      Iconik image                        Venue donated by Iconik Coffee Roasters, Santa Fe

Sponsored and hosted by Kristin Barendsen and Deborah Stehr

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Categories: feminism, political humor and satire, sexism, Trump Presidency, Uncategorized, women's humor, Writing Related | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

Dems Finally Find Solution to Trumpageddon: Duct Tape

Day 92: Trumpaggedon

Dems Finally Find Solution to Trumpageddon: Duct Tape

We are all about solutions here at the DCCC.  Duct Tape can fix anything.   1240539-large

Our first step will be to seal President Dump’s mouth shut. We will also place duct tape on all his phones so he can’t tweet. Then we will capture his cabinet members one by one (we’ll put a Muslim outside the White House waving a legal visa to lure them outside) and then we’ll wrap each one up like a silver mummy and leave them on the White House lawn. We plan to use red duct tape on Kellyanne Conway’s mouth to match both her lipstick and the color of shame that her face should be. We will also use some tape on that drooping right eye of hers so we won’t have to look it all day. (Someone should really get her to read The Picture of Dorian Gray).

Then we will wind duct tape around both houses of Congress so no one can get into the building and pass any legislation for the next four years.

Then it’s on to the Supreme Court where we will send Merrick Garland into the building, with snacks, to join the eight other justices and then tape shut all the windows and doors so no one can get in or out.

After that we will send Seal Team 6 into Russia and duct tape Putin to Siberia. Subsequently, we will use the entire Western supply of duct tape to tape over Russia. The Middle East will then chill out because they’ll see we mean business, and because they don’t want to spend the next four years under some plastic-y, grey gluey shit, they will just shut the fuck up and keep killing themselves.

North Korea will get totally wrapped up in producing and testing this newfangled Duct Tape (despite sanctions); China will wrap themselves in duct tape because that’s how they are, and with the amount left over from the black market, we Democrats can build a bunker completely out of duct tape and hunker down and wait until 2020, when we can pull Hillary out of her duct taped-sealed bubble wrap container and run her again, after we duct tape shut the electoral college, so democracy can actually fucking work.

It’s not a nuclear winter, but it will do.

This DCCC think tank is sponsored by Duct Tape.  (Trump thinks it is  spelled “Duck Tape” and that’s how we’ll get the drop on him. The NSA thinks we are talking about hunting.)

Make a contribution now to the DCCC and receive a pair of balls completely made out of blue duct tape!

Laughing Coyote Reporting

imagesCAQ9YDJW

It’s exciting being part of the solution!

Categories: coping with Trump, fake news, political humor and satire, Trump Presidency | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Introducing the Anti-Depressant Cat Calendar! Just in time for inauguration.

 

Who needs Lexapro when you have Button The Cat?

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Button, formerly a very successful plus size cat model for FAT CAT Magazine, has agreed to come out of early retirement in order to make the end of the world more palatable!

No one needs to feel bad during Trumpageddon! A good apocalypse should be enjoyed!

And who needs all that Paxil, Prozac, Wellbutrin, and the new one just out last month, Soma, when all you really need is a chubby white cat with an eating disorder to get you through each day of the month on a calendar!

Button the Cat’s  Suicide Prevention Calendar, YEAR 1  A.T.*  (*After Trump)


January 

Whatever he’s on, I want some!

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FEBRUARY   

Fall and Winter 2015-1-2016 075Fall and Winter 2015-1-2016 072Fall and Winter 2015-1-2016 073

A little kitty porn pole dancing to get you through. . .


MARCH

Maybe eating all five birds was a bad idea. . .

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APRIL

I’m not just another pretty face

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MAY

Therapy Cat works great!

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JUNE   

I’m in here with the dishes making decisions for our country

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JULY

I AM YOUR VALIUM!

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August

Everything is better with a friend

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 (That is Button’s best friend, Onyx.)


SEPTEMBER

Let me in the house and I will save you

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OCTOBER

Available without prescription

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NOVEMBER

 

Yes I am organic and I do cat yoga

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DECEMBER

More effective than OxyContin. Happy Holidays!

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Bonus pictures in case you haven’t ordered your 2018 Anti-depressant Cat Calendar and need some more to tide you over!

JANUARY 2018

I am one with the blanket, I am one with the blanket. Relax….midterms are only eleven months away now

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FEBRUARY

IT’S THE LOVE CATS!

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Categories: Animal Humor, cat humor, Health, mental health, Trump Presidency | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

Trump in Twitter War with Alphabet: Day 61 of Trumpapocalypse

Trump in Twitter War with Alphabet:   Day 61 of Trumpapocalypse

Yesterday the Albuquerque Sun reported that the Alphabet is outraged at Trump’s unilateral misappropriation of letters.

In an interview earlier today, spokes-letters A and T said, “We hate how Trump is abusing the English language and turning words against us by making consistently flagrant spelling errors. For example, when

B-A-D is spelled G-R-E-A-T

 and

 S-T-U-P-I-D is spelled S-M-A-R-T

 and

F-A-S-C-I-S-M  is spelled D-E-M-O-C-R-A-C-Y

and

 L-Y-I-N-G  S-A-C-K OF S-H-I-T is spelled P-R-E-S-I-D-E-N-T of the U.S.,

it makes words totally useless!  It makes letters irrelevant!

If we can replace A with G, W with O, and F with O, and U with D, and L with an explanation point (AWFUL=GOOD!); or, replace G with T, use the existing R, and replace E with U, and A with M, and T with P (GREAT=TRUMP); then WHY SPEAK AT ALL?”

At this point A began to cry and T had to stop the interview.

Because I was concerned about this alphabet abuse, I contacted Trump for comment.

He tweeted, “The Allphabet is rigged and should be stopped. I’m suing the allphabet in fact, for saying things it shouldn’t say about me. That’s wrong, that’s just wrong.”

I tweeted back, “Don’t you mean Great?”

That’s how I found out about Trump’s proposed War on Language.

(F-r-e-e P-r-e-s-s  is spelled B-A-D.  Or doubleplusungood for those nostalgic for 1984).

In his proposed War on Language, Trump plans to put gillions (S-O-M-E) of words and megabazillions of letters (A F-E-W) out of work. Yes, that’s right. He’s going to deport the alphabet.

Several vowels in Trump’s Cabinet told me that he plans to replace the entire alphabet with only 8 letters that will include two words.  Great and Trump. “Other words will be strongly discouraged,” said the spokesperson for the War on Words. “Exclamation points will be encouraged.”

I was appalled. That’s the only two words we will have to say anything!

Can you imagine greeting someone on the street?

“Great!” says person A. (Since no one will have names. Maybe we’ll have numbers instead. In that case I claim #27. Until numbers are vanquished too.)

“Great,” says person B.  (Theoretically since B has been banished.)

And questions will sound like this, “Trump?”

“Great,” will be the response.

Think of all the conversations we won’t be able to have including, “Impeach the son of a bitch!” “I just lost my job again,” and “Where can I buy a gun for a murder/ suicide?” And no one will be able to spell assassin. (Well that won’t have really changed).

Fortunately, TrumpGreat forgot to include the spellings of minorities, like Muslims and Mexicans, so the paperwork will be impossible to understand:

Name: Great, Trump        Occupation: Trump  Trump

Place of Birth: Trump Grate (oh sorry) Great.  Nationality: Trump Gate. (How many misspellings of Great are there? “Mistakes” could be subversive!)

Other people in family in U.S.: Trump Trump  Great Great

Current Address:  Great Trump, Trump Trump

But maybe this will slow down deportations because you can’t run a bureaucracy with just two words, no matter how Great they are.

When trying to read a deportation order, officials won’t even be able to say WTF?

They’d have to say, “What the Trump?”

With only two words, no one could ask questions:

“Oh Great Trump.  We’re supposed to deport the President?”

Maybe there is a silver lining.

Letters Unite Against Trump

The alphabet has decided to resist. Mostly by using big words like mellifluous. Curmudgeon. Ineligibility.  Verisimilitudinous. Monosyllabic. Patriarchal nonsensicalness. Befindlichkeit. (Okay I cheated. That’s German. But Trump wouldn’t understand any of them and finally the erudite can take over the world because he won’t know what the hell we’re talking about).

Until he makes his two word GREAT-TRUMP decree and deports all but 18 letters.

“N” will then fight for reinstatement so we can at least say un-great. (Because we will have enough letters for that.)

The famous vowel “O” will also holed up in a dictionary somewhere fighting for its existence, so we can at least say “no-great”, or the more sophisticated, “not-great” and also string together this multisyllabic word “noTrump.”

Maybe that will help us hold out until 2018: midterms which are 666 days away today. (I shit you not). Can Dems agree on something by then? Like you can’t spell democracy with the GOP no matter how many semantics you spin?

In the meantime, staying in line with the idea that any letter can stand for any other letter, I started spelling T-R-U-M-P as D-u-m-p.

And it rhymes!

Buckle up people: here comes the worst inauguration of our lifetimes. Do you have enough alcohol in the house? We’re all going to auger in.*

Laughing Coyote Reporting

angry-cat

It’s only 1392 days until the next Presidential election; how do you plan to save your country?

  • auger in is a verb meaning “to crash,” as in airplane.
Categories: English language, fake news, political humor and satire, Trump Presidency, Writing Related | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Obamacare Now Covers Lobotomy: Day 50 of Surviving Trumpageddon

I just finished ordering an online lobotomy so I can get through the next 4 years. I know I will not need my brain anytime soon. The lobotomy comes with DIY instructions that even an already brainless idiot can follow.

My other option is selling my brain on eBay. Then I can finance a trip to Washington, D.C. to interview for a job in the Trump Ass-ministration as the head of Intelligence. I figure my reptilian brain is pretty much all I’ll need for that so I will make sure not to sell my brainstem or medulla.

I will also be renting out my heart for the next 4 years. Who needs one of those in this climate? I have posted my heart on RentAnOrgan.gov so if you, or someone you know, need a heart (like a Trump supporter) you can bid on it and give it to them for New Year’s as revenge.  Expect to compete in a bidding war because President-Elect Dump and his boyfriend Putin are racing to collect all human hearts and burn them in this new FuckOverFest cold war that is now our collective reality. The stupid people have finally won!! Now everything will be great! Because Ignorance always makes Everything Better!

Being the oracular business woman that I am, I also bought ownership of the Wizard of Oz song If I Only Had a Brain, sung by The Scarecrow.  I am going to make so much freakin’ money owning next year’s theme song!

 Welcome to 2017: how stupid can a country be and still exist? Stay tuned for the answer which will probably come late next year.  Already little girls are asking: Can an apocalypse have an apocalypse?

 

I think my lobotomy is going to need a lobotomy.

It’s 1404 days until the next election: how are you surviving?

The Laughing Coyote

Categories: fake news, Health, Health Insurance, mental health, Obamacare, political humor and satire, Trump Presidency | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

It’s Secession Saturday! Day 11 of Trumpaggedon

 

While just trying to get through Day 11 Year 1 of AT (After Trump), and being unable to watch the news because of some terrible orange virus of ignorance pumping itself through every facet of our lives, I needed something to do. So I decided to secede. Realizing I didn’t want to secede all by myself I asked some people at Trader Joe’s if they wanted to secede also. They did. Before long everyone was clamoring to be included.

At approximately 4:32pm New Mexican time, New Mexico succeeded from the United States. (We argue that, really, the U.S. succeeded from us.)

Welcome to the United States of New Mexico!  (Don’t worry, President-Elect Cheeto Head doesn’t know where we are. Like half of America, he thinks we are part of Mexico. We are the only state that has U.S.A on our license plates. Well not anymore!)

I appointed Hillary Clinton as President and figure Vice-President Tim Kaine can coach her on Spanish since running The United States of New Mexico isn’t going to take up all her time. We are going to get her some great Day of the Dead pant suits.  The dream lives on!

Rachel Maddow will be Secretary of State since she knows how to talk diplomatically to clowns and is immune to patriarchy.

All other positions are open. Please apply here. Those people who know how to construct a wall to keep everyone else out of here should definitely speak up.

I will be the head Fool of State, since I am only good for saying things and pointing out the obvious. My cat however, is interested in being the Secretary of the Interior, in charge of the arrangement of blankets on the bed.

We won’t even deport those of you who voted for Trump. It may not be your fault you’re an idiot.  But those Democrats who voted third party, or didn’t vote at all? It’s definitely your fault you’re an idiot. But fifteen minutes of looking over the wall from the United States of Mexico to the ruins in the rest of the country will fix that broken I.Q.  regardless of which part of stupid you were standing on before.

It’s 1444 days until 2020 election. Until then Hillary can stay at my house. And those pesky license plates? Duct tape. Cover the USA with duct tape. You can fix everything with duct tape. Even an election.

Sincerely,

Laughing Coyote

 

 

 

 

 

 

Categories: political humor and satire, Trump Presidency | Tags: , , | Leave a comment

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