In this episode, Comedian Laughing Coyote Punches Holes in Trump’s Wall-World, announces candidacy for President 2020, interviews President Fuckface von Trump-Slug and Kellyann Creepshow, analyses the psychological meanings of the WTF Wall, and finds a metaphor real people can live with.
Performed live at fundraiser for Santa Fe Dreamers Project, October 2017.
Live Audio and transcript below.
What Is Not a Wall
Because I keep waking up every day realizing that I, a neurotic introvert, would still make a better a President, I am staging a coup right now. I’m declaring myself President. I have a plan. Who is with me?
President Fuckface von Clownstick has said,“We’re going to build a Wall.”
I refuse the hegemony of this metaphor: I will not live in Wall-World.
As President, my first executive order will be a ban on believing things just because you believe them. This will make believing things without facts to back them up, illegal, or at least extremely difficult. So we may end up deporting Christianity accidentally, but I don’t see that as a problem—No more dinosaurs attending Christ’s crucifixion! How sad.
Thus, this will insure that you can’t just say anything or think anything when facing a problem. Imaginary solutions are extremely effective only with imaginary problems. We fact checked that. We looked for problems that didn’t exist and then counted how many times they got solved. Some fascinating data there.
Executive Order number 2 will ban Blaming the Victim : We are outlawing the belief that powerless people are so dangerous that they must be deported, maimed, killed or imprisoned. We are forbidding the belief that most social problems in the United States are created by the people are who have almost no political or economic power. Who the fuck thought that up?
“Hey white rich man! Are you powerful or not? Make up your mind! If you are powerful you don’t need to deport people who aren’t. Is your power that shaky?”
Executive Order #3: We are outlawing the white race—mainly because it doesn’t exist. If it did there would be such a thing as Caucasian food. I dare you to go into a restaurant and order Caucasian food and see what happens. Like Twinkies and Velveeta the white race is artificially constructed, has no nutrition, and is packaged with sugar to make it seem yummy and palatable. It’s false and bad for your health. It maintains power by splitting people into two groups: those who believe in the racist purity of the Twinkie, and those who eat real, nutritious, multicultural food. Let’s stop with the Hitler Snack Cakes already and admit that everyone likes a good salad with veggies of all colors and origins. Let’s participate in the hegemony of the tossed salad rather than a wall of white wonderbread—if you’ve ever eaten wonderbread you wonder how anyone could think it’s bread. Analogously, how in the world can a wall mean freedom?
My fourth executive order will be to ban all walls around and inside the United states. We’ll call it the Wall-Ban. (Some idiots will think we are banning Wal-Mart. . . which may not be a bad idea.)
The only wall that will be allowed is the wall we’ll build to house all the other walls we are no longer using. (Walls to keep deer out of gardens with be grandfathered in). Walls that will be banned behind the Wall-To-End-all-Walls are: a) the border wall, b) the wall around the hearts of Republicans and racists (oh I’m sorry that’s redundant) and c) the wall around Trump’s fucking brain that keeps it from functioning in reality and d) the wall of magical thinking that is dominating our nation at the moment.
Research shows that walls almost never have the intended effect and are indeed, when used with a proscription, are almost uniformly ineffective.
Woman 1: I’m having trouble paying my health insurance.
Trump: Have you considered using a wall?
Woman 2: I need an abortion but all the Planned Parenthoodsare gone.
Trump: You should use the vaginal wall. It’s a great wall. It’s made of vaginas.
Man: My kid is struggling in a poor school district and isn’t learning anything.
Trump: Tell him to sit closer to the wall.
Teenage girl: I am going to be deported. I have no family in Mexico anymore.
Trump: There’s a wall that can help you with that but you need to be on the
other side of it.
Young Man: I’m driving to work and the breaks on my car are broken-
Trump: Don’t worry. We built a wall across that stretch of road last month. It’ll stop your car for sure.
Please note: You can use this style of argument with Trump supporters in the grocery store or at Thanksgiving to show them how stupid they are.
I then did some investigative reporting. I got an interview with President Fuckface.
“Mr. President I am having very sad feelings about the plight undocumented immigrants and dreamers.”
“Obviously you need a wall. That would fix you right up. You wouldn’t see or feel any of that with a good wall.”
“But I have a wall. I got one right after the election because I knew the price of walls would go up. But I still feel bad.”
“You need a bigger wall, obviously,” said Trump.
“Well I did that too. At the first sign of feeling bad, I added a couple of stories; when I got sick, I added some more. But I’m sicker. It isn’t working. And it’s getting so tall I’m afraid it’s going to fall on me.”
“Well you’ll need a wall for that.”
“I need a wall to protect me from a wall?” I said.
“It happens. Or maybe you need the best wall. ATrump Wall. I’ll have my assistant describe how it works. I would tell you myself but I don’t really understand how it works, plus but I have to go fix some holes in my Wall; some facts about Dreamers have punched their way through.”
So then Kellyann Creepshow way showed up and took me to a castle and moat. They called it Moat-a-Lago
“We have the best moats,” she said.
“What about bridges?” I said. “I’m more in a bridge kind of mood.”
“We don’t do bridges,” she said. “That’s something a Mexican would do.”
I shuddered and managed not to strangle her. Inside the building, I looked around, “Where’s the Trump wall?”
“It’s a special wall; she said. “It’s mostly invisible. You know like thoughts.”
(I suddenly had a thought. Maybe Trump will just end up pretending he built a wall that deported Dreamers and undocumented souls and he won’t really do it. And that would mean we could just tell him that he already blew up North Korea.)
Meanwhile Miss Creepway was saying, “You should buy and use a Trump-Grade Wall. This wall is the best because can just project your own reality on it, whatever you want it to be. You can’t see over it, or around it. This wall keeps out anything you think is bad, including other people and facts. You can enable your psychological wall (we call it the psycho wall for short) with the Unidirectional Osmotic Projection System that projects your own unwanted history, feelings, thoughts, emotions and weaknesses, psychological wounds and traumas onto other people so you can hate them instead of yourself. Everyone else becomes an angry, childish, liar, while you remain pristine and perfect inside. You are good; they are bad. You are the powerful victim able to be hurt by a butterfly wing and empowered by nukes.”
“Powerful victim?” I said having not heard that before.
“Oh yes, the Trump Wall allows you to be so easily victimized that you become the most powerful Adult Toddler.”
“But that shows the wall isn’t working right?”
“It’s working perfectly.”
“But wait so Trump thinks he’s the biggest victim and the Most Powerful Man?”
“The wall works its magic,” she said.
“Has anyone died in your presence from cognitive dissonance?”
“Not today,” said Kellyann Creepshow. “By using the Best Wall you are the only one who exists and the only one who has the right to exist; anyone else infringes your resources. Since you’re President you ARE THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. (See everyone gets to be their own President of the World.) You have the right to destroy everything in the world because it’s you and you’re entitled to do what you want with yourself. There is no world; it’s all a wall of You reflecting You back to You back to You back to You. It’s the best thing ever. It insures that you continue to exist. Would you like to join the Republican Party? The Trump Wall comes free if you buy the red hat.”
Suddenly I understood how Trump won the election; this is what he was selling: narcissistic racist psychosis.
All the executive orders I am signing are designed to destroy the elements of the Trumpian Wall-World.
This brings us to Executive Order 5: All borders and thoroughfares in the U.S. will be papered with the U.S. Constitution and the Bill of Rights. The area will operate under the mandate of inclusivity and tolerance. Let us have interlocking paths of people walking, talking and acting freely, holding hands, helping each other. Let us live under the hegemony of linked hands and hearts driven by sound, wise minds and the collective use of power. We will grab the hands of the Dreamers and not let them be taken from us; we will hold on to our undocumented citizens in the power of embrace. To take one, they will have to take all of us.
Executive Order 6 What Is Not a Wall: All citizens and undocumented citizens will find alternative metaphors to guide and ground their thoughts feelings and action. Let us find what is not a wall, and empower these things instead.
I like the image of people punching through any walls and reaching for each other, grabbing on and making an unbreakable grip. I prefer the image of everyone working to take down any Trumpian wall they see, brick by brick. Then we will build houses with these bricks for all of us to abide in.
What is Not a Wall mandates we all ask ourselves what we can do today to take down a piece of the wall, visible or invisible, through effective actions, like what you are doing tonight and what you’ve already done.
Let’s fight this fight together!
Performed live at fundraiser for Santa Fe Dreamers Project.
Ferocious Feminists Fight for Immigrant Rights Poetry and Open Mic night raised over 600 dollars which was donated to the Santa Fe Dreamers Project. Thank you to everyone who performed and everyone who came and donated!