Animal Humor

DANGER at the DOLLAR STORE

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  So I’m walking to the Dollar Store on a summer evening, which is always a voyage into low self-esteem: Who feels good shopping at the Dollar Store?

Oh look, instead of buying really shitty cat food at Albertson’s for 75 cents a can, I canimages (1) buy 4 cans of completely crappy cat food for 50 cents a can at the Dollar Store, because I’m such a derelict (according to GOP) that I can’t afford the healthier cat food at $1.50 a can, or the outrageously healthy cat food at Whole Foods for $7.25 a can, which would keep the cats alive longer than my lifespan. Then my poor cats would be put down cruelly by strangers who aren’t willing to suck it up and go into the Dollar Store to keep these extra dead-lady-cats-from-next-door alive, because the strangers also can’t afford Whole Paycheck Organic Cat Delight, or the Almost Food for Felines at Albertson’s and Smith’s.

travel-mat-3mm-68in-250px-273pxAnd now for the real question that’s been on my mind for a while: Can you buy yoga mats at the Dollar Store? And if you do will it irreversibly cheapen Downward Dog?  Will I be pilloried at the YMCA for shopping at Cheap Ass Goods warehouse, Santa Fe, New Mexico, or championed for my thriftiness? It’s all going to depend on the quality of the mat. I’m filled with hope: my possible positive self-esteem is hanging in the balance.

I decided to walk to the Dollar Store today. You don’t drive to the Dollar Store. You go there when you have no car and live nearby. If you have a car, you at least park at Trader Joe’s, then walk over to the Dollar Store-the poor person’s Starbucks. Our local Dollar Store is so progressive it opened another Dollar Store in the parking lot with great deals: locals call it The Fifty Cent. They love it because poor white Trump supporters just won’t go in there.

The Dollar Store. It’s a misnomer because it literally means: buy your dollars here. Right. This is the place to buy money. Who’d be dumb enough to purchase money? Um, I’d like to buy a dollar for a dollar. It’s money laundering for poor people.

Or maybe it’s a conspiratorial metaphor, a little known partnership between The Poor Store and Whole Foods. If you shop at Poverty R’ Us, you will save so much money that now you can buy goods at the GOP One-Percenter Market. (The O in GOP stands for “organic,” so I’ve been told. As in Good Organic Person. Right.)

Hang on, I shouldn’t be so cynical: what if it means I can pay one dollar to buy ten dollars; two dollars to buy twenty dollars, and so forth.  It’s some special Dollar Store conversion table! Wow I am smart to shop here! The shabby appearance of the place belies the miracle of expenditure that is taking place every day here, maybe so the GOP doesn’t find out. Something for us the 99 Percenters! Awesome!

Perhaps it also explains why someone burgled the place last night, breaking one huge plate glass window and the glass door, both covered now by particle board.

So here I am approaching the threshold of the Dollar Store on a warm summer evening, trying to beat down any self-esteem I might have built up during the day by doing yoga and not yelling at stupid people, when a car with completely tinted windows drives up, and slows down, timing its entry into the parking spot to coincide with my trajectory.abcb3940a9a8001d72976bc805836dab--audi-r-black-all-black Ordinarily I would assume thoughtfulness on the part of the driver, but because all the windows are opaque, and the windshield is heavily tinted, it’s making me nervous. I can’t see who is in the car at all. Is the person going slowly because they’re a Christian? A Grandma?  A Braille Driver? Or am I being followed? Stalked?  Menaced?

I personally think windows shouldn’t come with the equivalent of mirrored sunglasses. I deserve to stare into the face of the people who are trying to kill me. However, really dark tint is legal in New Mexico. Given the intensity of the sun I can understand why—it’s the only time in my life I’ve hated my sun roof—but I think tinted windows are the concealed carry of vehicles and shouldn’t be allowed.

Even so, as it pulled up I tell myself I’m being stupid, but my breath is catching a little and I have to force myself to keep walking down the side walk in front of the car and not cower like a man afraid of abortion rights against the Dollar Store wall. And now I come to see something completely startling: a grey Hello Kitty vanity plate on the front bumper. The black sporty car has black windows, black tire rims, black trim and a grey Hello Kitty license plate.

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I burst out laughing. Who puts Hello Kitty on the front of their Macho-Mobile? The driver is either completely pussy whipped, so to speak, or using the cleverest disguise ever because now I’m cracking up so hard I can’t run lest I pee my pants. What kind of stalker/hit man/Russian spy would use Hello Kitty plates? I stand here for a bit, gasping and half-expecting a young Latina woman with heels and pink sun glasses to emerge and blow all my referential frameworks to bits.

But Hello Kitty just sits there, breathing, behind its car-sunglasses and I give up and go inside; obviously driver is male and now too ashamed to get out of the car. The Dollar Store: land of self-esteem. Or maybe he is here to buy some money, or maybe rob the place again, but is now having second thoughts because I’m memorizing his license plate and he knows it.

The cashier inside will not admit to selling money. I figure it’s because all the money had all been stolen last Thursday by the cat-burglar, also a misnomer when you think about it. Who would ever be stupid enough to break into someone’s house to steal a cat? Now planting a cat might make some sense, but not abducting a cat to ransom later.  Running a CAT-NAPPING ring usually means you will be shopping at the Bankruptcy Store for the remainder of your life while feeling really sleepy.

After ascertaining the cashier would not admit to selling yoga mats (and as far as I could tell the inventory agreed with him), I left the store. The Hello Kitty Death Squad Car was still outside. But the car didn’t follow me down the road. We both knew his cover had been blown. Or maybe he couldn’t actually see through the window either and that’s why he’d been going so slowly and was perhaps marooned at the Dollar Store. Maybe he actually needed my help. I could go back and google: Blindfolds for Cars and tell him what a possible remedy would be.

But that would have to wait. Right now I had great plans for my Halloween Costume: Hello Kitty Assassin! I’m going right down the street to the Dollar Tree to pick up some money to buy it!

Faithfully yours,

The Laughing Hello Dollar Kitty

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Categories: Animal Humor, cat humor, money, shopping, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

Introducing the Anti-Depressant Cat Calendar! Just in time for inauguration.

 

Who needs Lexapro when you have Button The Cat?

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Button, formerly a very successful plus size cat model for FAT CAT Magazine, has agreed to come out of early retirement in order to make the end of the world more palatable!

No one needs to feel bad during Trumpageddon! A good apocalypse should be enjoyed!

And who needs all that Paxil, Prozac, Wellbutrin, and the new one just out last month, Soma, when all you really need is a chubby white cat with an eating disorder to get you through each day of the month on a calendar!

Button the Cat’s  Suicide Prevention Calendar, YEAR 1  A.T.*  (*After Trump)


January 

Whatever he’s on, I want some!

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FEBRUARY   

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A little kitty porn pole dancing to get you through. . .


MARCH

Maybe eating all five birds was a bad idea. . .

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APRIL

I’m not just another pretty face

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MAY

Therapy Cat works great!

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JUNE   

I’m in here with the dishes making decisions for our country

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JULY

I AM YOUR VALIUM!

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August

Everything is better with a friend

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 (That is Button’s best friend, Onyx.)


SEPTEMBER

Let me in the house and I will save you

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OCTOBER

Available without prescription

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NOVEMBER

 

Yes I am organic and I do cat yoga

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DECEMBER

More effective than OxyContin. Happy Holidays!

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Bonus pictures in case you haven’t ordered your 2018 Anti-depressant Cat Calendar and need some more to tide you over!

JANUARY 2018

I am one with the blanket, I am one with the blanket. Relax….midterms are only eleven months away now

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FEBRUARY

IT’S THE LOVE CATS!

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Categories: Animal Humor, cat humor, Health, mental health, Trump Presidency | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

Some Signs My Cat May Be Retarded

 

My cat just dug a hole in the ground and is now sitting in front of it.

Does he think a mouse is just going to wander by and fall in?

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He says “meow” over and over as if it’s the only word he knows.

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And there are other signs he may be cognitively challenged.

Once a week, whether the situation calls for it or not, he jumps down behind the washer and then howls because he is stuck.

While behind the washer he just looks up at me with wide yellow eyes that say, “WTF? No I do not know how I got here or what to do about it.”

He refuses to go to Cat’s Anonymous where they teach about “the crazy,” i.e., insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

And then there’s his habit of rolling in the dirt, licking himself and then throwing up.

Did he not learn about cause and effect in Cat School?

It doesn’t help that his adopted brother thinks he’s a pole dancer.

 

 

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Obviously there are a lack of role models in this household.

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Are your cats suffering from a reduction in reasoning skills?  Does one of your cats show an unnatural interest in kitty porn? Perhaps we should start a support group.

To make comments scroll down to the bottom. The last button near the tabs is the Comments button.

My cat Onyx  informs me that he can stop licking himself any time he wants. He just doesn’t want to.Fall and Winter 2015-1-2016 055.JPG

 

 

Categories: Animal Humor | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I WANT TO HIRE A DOG

I want to hire a dog to sit and pant out my window while I’m driving my pick-up and while the pick-up is parked in various parking lots around the world.

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The ad on Craigslist reads, “Wanted: one medium size dog to pant happily out the window and communicate an air of general love and friendliness to the planet. Will pay overtime. Must go home at end of shift.”

I don’t actually want a dog per se.

I just want to hire one for driving because I feel left out. Every car has a dog in it except mine. I tried putting my cat on the dashboard—it just wasn’t the same. I tried to get the cat to slobber and pant, just once.

“Just one trip to the grocery store, just once,” I said to Josephine. “Just once. I need this, I really really need this. Plea-eeese, please. Just this once.”

He just sat there and licked his ass.

Then he jumped down and killed the mouse that had been living in my car.

Then he gave me a look that said: when you bought me the words on the side of the can said C-A-T.

Then we had our usual silent stand off about why I’d named him Josephine.

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There were so many dogs in so many parked cars the other day in Santa Fe I thought the dogs had finally evolved and were driving themselves to the mall in their owners’ cars—apparently they got tired of waiting for that weird pig’s ear shit and their rawhide bones and just drove themselves to PetSmart.

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Then I had another thought: Jesus, are they selling dogs with cars now?

Shit I didn’t know that damn silent, hybrid-Toyota, golf-cart thing comes with a dog.

That  explains a lot.

(Maybe Subaru can start up a similar campaign only with lesbians).

Next to them my jacked-up 4WD 1998 Toyota pick-up, with the uncooperative and deadly feline caterwauling LET ME THE FUCK OUT and throwing himself against the window, positively screams ME AND THIS NON-DOG CAT ARE CAUSING ALL THE GLOBAL WARMING. See the body count on my bumper sticker beside the I DROWNED INDONESIA placard that was awarded to me by the Republican controlled Congress.

Everywhere I looked was a dog, red, brown, big, small, yappy, stupid, stately, happy, angry, welcoming, defensive, furry and bald. Jesus fucking Christ where am I? When did I move to DogLand?

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Bark bark…and what would they think if they knew I didn’t actually have a dog in my car….?

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Did I have any cat fur on my face? On my clothes? Some blood from the tooth-gutted mouse that had spurted onto the back of my white T-Shirt and now spelled out: No dog—kill her!

It was a nightmare. It was surreal. Dogs on all sides.

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I ended up putting my cloth grocery bag over my head and running into Whole Paycheck. Not to buy anything, just to hide there among the money and the fancy food. And to get away from my cat who obviously was trying to get me killed, not realizing he needed to grow some thumbs first so he could get out of the car once I was sufficiently dead.

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Ha! I always knew I had the bigger brain!

Once inside, I cut some eye holes in the bag using some shears borrowed from the flower department, and I kept my eyes straight in front of me on the way to bathroom in case the dogs were also driving around in hybrid grocery carts.

Careening into the bathroom stall, sideswiping a genteel looking older woman who probably had six German Shepherds and a black Lab in her Land Rover outside, I sat there doing breathing exercises until I realized I could actually take the bag off of my head. It occurred to me all those dogs in all those cars in all those parking lots couldn’t possibly be real.

Was it just an APP? A virtual world APP generated through a Super-Smart iOS phone, unlike the Dullard iAAA (I am an ass) phone that I have. The Dog in the Car APP is for when Jack the Pit Bull is just too lazy to get out of his dog bed into the car because he hates hunting and thinks any vehicle means that soon he’s going to have to be chasing something down near the duck pond at 6am when he’d really just binge watch the Nature Channel on Netflix.

Yes I needed the Dog in the Window Panting APP for people who have slothful dogs and for whom a pet rock is pushing it. (Oh I wonder if they have a Pet Rock APP too so I don’t have to go outside and get my own, and then have to spring for one of those expensive leashes!)   670px-Make-a-Leash-for-a-Pet-Rock-out-of-Thread-Step-5-Version-2

My next task was to abduct someone’s Super-Smart phone, so I created a gun like weapon out of two toilet paper rolls, a magic marker and some old duct tape I found in my pocket, and then mugged the next person who came into the bathroom to get their iPhone. This took a while because my two initial victims had flip phones, which would have worked on the old Star Trek, but not here in reality.

Dragging the unconscious body of a twenty-five year old young woman with an iPhone 6s, into the stall with me, I made my next move. Now I could get the Fake Dog Walking Beside me APP with Bonus Dog Snout Out the Window APP so I could get back through the parking lot without the bag over my head (which had apparently had caused car accident earlier but because I couldn’t actually see it, I pretended it wasn’t happening). I downloaded it all in the relative safely of the bathroom. Now I could get back to my pick-up, proudly being someone who belongs to society AND, if my cat would actually back off and let me open the damn door and let me back into my vehicle, he wouldn’t even hate me for getting a dog because I had gotten an imagination instead.

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I selected Sheltie APP from the menu and turned it on. Sheltie’s are beautiful, chipper, smart dogs with a great work ethic and a lot of energy and need lots of attention and interaction—perfectly wrong for me but with APP DOG it doesn’t matter!

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That’s why I need a Dog APP; I’m too immature to actually have a dog because it would want to relate to me and do things and love me and go for walks and I’m just not having that in my life. Furthermore, in the late 1980’s I took Nancy Reagan way too seriously about her “Just Say No,” program and unfortunately autistically applied it to things it wasn’t meant for. It seemed harmless at the time.

You should see me with the instructions to my microwave.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

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Sincerely,

The Laughing Coyote

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Categories: Animal Humor | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

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