Day 92: Trumpaggedon
Dems Finally Find Solution to Trumpageddon: Duct Tape
We are all about solutions here at the DCCC. Duct Tape can fix anything.
Our first step will be to seal President Dump’s mouth shut. We will also place duct tape on all his phones so he can’t tweet. Then we will capture his cabinet members one by one (we’ll put a Muslim outside the White House waving a legal visa to lure them outside) and then we’ll wrap each one up like a silver mummy and leave them on the White House lawn. We plan to use red duct tape on Kellyanne Conway’s mouth to match both her lipstick and the color of shame that her face should be. We will also use some tape on that drooping right eye of hers so we won’t have to look it all day. (Someone should really get her to read The Picture of Dorian Gray).
Then we will wind duct tape around both houses of Congress so no one can get into the building and pass any legislation for the next four years.
Then it’s on to the Supreme Court where we will send Merrick Garland into the building, with snacks, to join the eight other justices and then tape shut all the windows and doors so no one can get in or out.
After that we will send Seal Team 6 into Russia and duct tape Putin to Siberia. Subsequently, we will use the entire Western supply of duct tape to tape over Russia. The Middle East will then chill out because they’ll see we mean business, and because they don’t want to spend the next four years under some plastic-y, grey gluey shit, they will just shut the fuck up and keep killing themselves.
North Korea will get totally wrapped up in producing and testing this newfangled Duct Tape (despite sanctions); China will wrap themselves in duct tape because that’s how they are, and with the amount left over from the black market, we Democrats can build a bunker completely out of duct tape and hunker down and wait until 2020, when we can pull Hillary out of her duct taped-sealed bubble wrap container and run her again, after we duct tape shut the electoral college, so democracy can actually fucking work.
It’s not a nuclear winter, but it will do.
This DCCC think tank is sponsored by Duct Tape. (Trump thinks it is spelled “Duck Tape” and that’s how we’ll get the drop on him. The NSA thinks we are talking about hunting.)
Make a contribution now to the DCCC and receive a pair of balls completely made out of blue duct tape!
Laughing Coyote Reporting
It’s exciting being part of the solution!