fake news

Trump Mandates Airlines Use Less Words during Customer Service Interactions: Fly the Freedom Skies!

 

Fly the Freedom Skies

 

This Memo was leaked from an official at Preferican Airlines.

 

 

 

MEMORANDUM                                                   June 19, 2017

From:          Preferican Airlines CEO and Executive Board

To:               Preferican Airlines Board Members and Customer                                          Service Agents

Subject:        FLYING THE FREEDOM SKIES:

                    Guidelines for In-Communication with Customers

Due to the Trump Administration, which will make American Great Again, budget cuts have been necessary here at Preferican Airlines.

After a thorough cost-benefit analysis, management has determined that it is more profitable for Customer Service Agents to only use approximately half of the words normally used to communicate information to customers, leaving it to the discretion of the employees to decide which words to omit given a particular conversation.

Although management has the greatest trust in our employees’ discretion in these matters, we have written below some general guidance to provide a modicum of direction and ease in your upcoming In-communications. (For clarification about what In-communication means, see the Trump Twitter Message 8005: What Words Do Mean Really Anyway? and the joint publication by Kelly Ann Conway and Sean Spicer: How to Say Nothing and Still Get It Wrong, enclosed in this informational packet. Guidelines as to what Trump means when he uses words will be published later this year if anyone can ever figure that out.) These

In-communication recommendations will, starting next week, be included in the Preferican Airlines Operations Manual, in abbreviated form of course.

First we recommend that Agents say only half of what they would have said before, so something like, “Your gate has been changed. You are now departing from gate F7,” will sound something like, “Your gate has been changed.”  A silent, slightly expectant gaze at the customer should then be deployed. If the customer says nothing, the Agent should remain silent until the Agent receives further impetus from the customer. If being silent proves too problematic, Preferican Airlines will provide paid training sessions for those Agents who are still saying too much.

Second, when possible, the Agent should replace lengthy communications (defined by the Trump Administration as five words or more) with short snappy phrases, such as, “I don’t know,” “I can’t help you,” or “Call the  1-800 number,” or during periods of severe economic slowdown, replacing verbalization with a blank stare, tinged with resigned diffidence and a touch of pique and censure, making it incumbent upon the customer to provide his or her own answers to such inconvenient and time consuming questions as:

Where is my gate?

How much time between connecting flights?

So am I flying stand-by or not?

Is the plane broken?

Third, stopping in the middle of an otherwise complete sentence and refusing to continue can save the company the cost of many words, and may indeed mean a raise for those who can say the least in the most amount of time. Agents should not feel guilty about this because most mature travelers are perfectly capable of finishing other people’s sentences for them. It is no longer the responsibility of the airline to provide services that the customer can provide on his or her own.  (See the Operation’s Manual, Chapter 3: The Customer Brings his Own Sandwich, and also the chapter called, Autopilot: Not Just for the Cockpit).

For foreign travelers, at the economical price of $35, Preferican Airlines sells smart phones apps (called iGreat and WordU) which are capable of instantly generating the recommended questions to ask in any Agent-Ticket-Counter-Passenger situation. Thus, even algorithmic sets of inquiries can take place with minimum involvement from any Agent that might happen to be standing there in front of the customer at any time.

For example:

Does the plane leave from gate C47?  C48?  C49?

Will I be leaving at 7:40, 7:41, 7:50, 9:50? 11pm.  Tomorrow afternoon? Never? Should I take the bus? Why has God forsaken me?

Such apps will also be helpful in determining the various meanings of “reservation”, “upgrade”,” acts of god”, “customer assistance”, and “delay.” They will also include revisionist interpretations of “flight” and “departure”, “arrival” and “luggage,” in keeping with contemporary sensibilities.

The fourth way an Agent can maximize his sentence inefficiency is for the Agent to end most of his sentences with an audible question mark and then stare at the customer expectantly, which places the onus on the customer to provide the motivation and direction of the conversation.  The airline is here to fly, not to talk about flying. Thus “You missed your flight. Let me see what else might be available,” turns into, “You missed your flight?” and then a silent look that could be interpreted by the customer as a reprimand.

As stated in last year’s customer service policy updates, we believe it is the Agent’s job to communicate moral disgust to those folks who cannot seem to get to a plane on time, especially if those customers practice yoga. Missed flights create too much use of language for Agents. Think In-communication, NOT communication!

We recommend disapproving body-language, facial gestures, hand signals, and sounds that make a customer feel bad for being late, creating the impetus for customers to police themselves and to perhaps inspire them also to learn how to control automobile traffic, electric outages, terrorist attacks, car batteries and the weather.

When all else fails and the customer still expects some kind of help, the Customer Service Agent should then call security and have them punch the customer in the mouth so that she stops talking and maybe passes out and has to go to the hospital meaning that Agents can then sell the seat to someone else, provided the new customer simply uses hand signals.

Agents should never admit a mistake. Sometimes customers will say things like, “You booked me onto this flight last night after I missed my scheduled flight. I stood here and watched you. How do you think I got this print-out and the number of the flight and showed up at the right time? I’m only checking in because I have luggage. How could I not be in the computer?”

Here it is important for Agents to simply stare blankly at the customer, giving no sign that what he says makes any kind of sense. Employing an emotionless robot voice is also helpful. Agents should say things like, “          “There’s no record of that transaction here. You will have to call Customer Service.”

“But I’m standing right here,” the customer will probably say. “And so are you!”

“Customer Service,” is what the Agent should repeat. No verbs should be added. And then the Agent should shake his or her head and make clucking noises in order to make the customer feel like he is an unfortunate simpleton.

Alternatively, after looking over the customer’s notes or paperwork while again shaking the head and looking perplexed, Agents can simply ask: How do you know exactly that you are supposed to be on this flight?

See instructions below for reading the signs of an imminent meltdown on the customer’s face. Remember that any passenger who is in hysterical verbal paroxysms is one that Agents are entitled to completely ignore, saving heaps of all that very expensive language (See Operations Manual Chapter 24Why Your Anger at Us is Not Our Problem Even if It’s Our Fault).

A fifth technique of customer In-communication consists of saying just enough to get the customer really curious about her fate, forcing her to step forward in her life and take responsibility. Preferican Airlines refuses to take any kind of responsibility for getting a passenger from one place to the other when the passenger is obviously very capable of doing it for herself, even though she has bought a ticket so she doesn’t have to. Those who are not capable of doing so should not be flying.

Thus the communication, “I can’t find your reservation in the computer; let me see what I can do,” turns into “I can’t find you anywhere,” with the nasty implication that perhaps the person standing at the ticket counter trying to go to Dallas does not exist. Proving that one does exist despite lack of paperwork to the contrary is one of the primary survival mechanisms of contemporary civilized human beings, and should provide the necessary angst for the passenger to start asking his or her own questions and providing his or her own answers, obviating the need for Agents to do anything at all, providing immense savings to the company. This is in keeping with the new Preferican Airlines slogan:  The Less Service the Better.

Preferican Airlines management predicts that customer satisfaction will rise rather than fall as the result of implementing these In-communication policies because passengers will be proud of themselves for independently working their way through problems that were previously thought to be insurmountable, thus building sense of self-esteem and empowerment in would-be passengers. Think of the sense of ego-inflation that occurs when a customer finds that she is unmistakably the sole cause of a miracle: getting on a plane when she has a ticket!

In the privacy of the home (and never at the ticket counter) Agents should imagine what it is like to be a contemporary passenger: to feel the pride that comes when all the others around you have collapsed into wailing heaps on the airport floor while you step over their beleaguered bodies and shredded spirits on the way to the x-ray machines in the spirit of unmitigated Darwinism.

Being an unassisted passenger these days can be a really incredible high: would you, as a respectable Agent, want to remove this potential for a peak experience from any passenger? It is obvious that Agents serve the greater good; by providing the right verbal impasse at the right time, natural selection kicks in to determine who really has the right to fly although everyone has bought a ticket. Only those most deserving, those most willing to work for it; only those who can remain inside the air-conditioned ramp of reasonableness in the midst of insoluble interlocutory obstacles will be welcome to fly the friendly skies of freedom.

It is in this way that the management and employees of Preferican Airlines are looking at the big picture; the overall welfare of the customers in the context of their lives instead of being concerned with simple transportation from one place to another. Employees can rest assured, therefore, that this systematic way of denying service to customers is actually a valuable service, one that Preferican Airlines will be charging for starting in the next fiscal year. A surcharge of $10 will be added to the price of a ticket for the extra silence Customer Service Agents are obligated to use on a daily basis.

This long term vision of Lifetime Passenger Welfare more than offsets any initial negative consequences from a customer’s aggravation that not only can he not get on the plane, that no one will even speak to him reasonably about it. Because of these new In-communication Policies that allow customers to become better and stronger people, after an initial lag, customer satisfaction levels over the long term are expected to increase, and Preferican Airlines will be able to ensure the current customer base and perhaps increase it, resulting in better job security for certain tiers of employees who have proven to be most deserving, in a word, the most silent.

In sum, all transactions with customers should end on a positive note where the Agent communicates honestly the corporation’s gratitude that the customer has chosen Preferican Airlines, thus the following phrase should be used copiously:  Thank you for trying to Fly the Freedom Skies.

 

Remember staff: Incommunicate Responsibly!

______________________________________________________

 

Laughing Coyote has written the following in response to the new great regulations:

 

Strategies for Validating Your Own Reality while at an airplane ticket counter

The 6 Signs you have a reservation to fly in a plane somewhere

  1. You have a ticket in your hand or on your phone
  2. The ticket has your name on it.
  3. You are at the airport (planes are visible)
  4. You have luggage
  5. The person who brought you here has left
  6. A stranger is threatening to check your underwear for bombs and you can’t call the police because they are the police.
  7. Everyone looks like a terrorist.

————–

Note:  Potential Candidates for becoming a Preferican Airline’s passenger should be aware of the following:

The guidelines for Flying the Freedom Skies are consistent with the

socio-economic policies of the Trump Administration, the summary of which reads as such.

  1. It’s always wartime so every man for himself. (The other gender has been cancelled).
  2. Don’t expect anyone to do anything for you because that’s socialism, not fascism.

 

 

 

 

 

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Categories: coping with Trump, fake news, political humor and satire, travel humor, Trump Presidency | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

Dems Finally Find Solution to Trumpageddon: Duct Tape

Day 92: Trumpaggedon

Dems Finally Find Solution to Trumpageddon: Duct Tape

We are all about solutions here at the DCCC.  Duct Tape can fix anything.   1240539-large

Our first step will be to seal President Dump’s mouth shut. We will also place duct tape on all his phones so he can’t tweet. Then we will capture his cabinet members one by one (we’ll put a Muslim outside the White House waving a legal visa to lure them outside) and then we’ll wrap each one up like a silver mummy and leave them on the White House lawn. We plan to use red duct tape on Kellyanne Conway’s mouth to match both her lipstick and the color of shame that her face should be. We will also use some tape on that drooping right eye of hers so we won’t have to look it all day. (Someone should really get her to read The Picture of Dorian Gray).

Then we will wind duct tape around both houses of Congress so no one can get into the building and pass any legislation for the next four years.

Then it’s on to the Supreme Court where we will send Merrick Garland into the building, with snacks, to join the eight other justices and then tape shut all the windows and doors so no one can get in or out.

After that we will send Seal Team 6 into Russia and duct tape Putin to Siberia. Subsequently, we will use the entire Western supply of duct tape to tape over Russia. The Middle East will then chill out because they’ll see we mean business, and because they don’t want to spend the next four years under some plastic-y, grey gluey shit, they will just shut the fuck up and keep killing themselves.

North Korea will get totally wrapped up in producing and testing this newfangled Duct Tape (despite sanctions); China will wrap themselves in duct tape because that’s how they are, and with the amount left over from the black market, we Democrats can build a bunker completely out of duct tape and hunker down and wait until 2020, when we can pull Hillary out of her duct taped-sealed bubble wrap container and run her again, after we duct tape shut the electoral college, so democracy can actually fucking work.

It’s not a nuclear winter, but it will do.

This DCCC think tank is sponsored by Duct Tape.  (Trump thinks it is  spelled “Duck Tape” and that’s how we’ll get the drop on him. The NSA thinks we are talking about hunting.)

Make a contribution now to the DCCC and receive a pair of balls completely made out of blue duct tape!

Laughing Coyote Reporting

imagesCAQ9YDJW

It’s exciting being part of the solution!

Categories: coping with Trump, fake news, political humor and satire, Trump Presidency | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Trump in Twitter War with Alphabet: Day 61 of Trumpapocalypse

Trump in Twitter War with Alphabet:   Day 61 of Trumpapocalypse

Yesterday the Albuquerque Sun reported that the Alphabet is outraged at Trump’s unilateral misappropriation of letters.

In an interview earlier today, spokes-letters A and T said, “We hate how Trump is abusing the English language and turning words against us by making consistently flagrant spelling errors. For example, when

B-A-D is spelled G-R-E-A-T

 and

 S-T-U-P-I-D is spelled S-M-A-R-T

 and

F-A-S-C-I-S-M  is spelled D-E-M-O-C-R-A-C-Y

and

 L-Y-I-N-G  S-A-C-K OF S-H-I-T is spelled P-R-E-S-I-D-E-N-T of the U.S.,

it makes words totally useless!  It makes letters irrelevant!

If we can replace A with G, W with O, and F with O, and U with D, and L with an explanation point (AWFUL=GOOD!); or, replace G with T, use the existing R, and replace E with U, and A with M, and T with P (GREAT=TRUMP); then WHY SPEAK AT ALL?”

At this point A began to cry and T had to stop the interview.

Because I was concerned about this alphabet abuse, I contacted Trump for comment.

He tweeted, “The Allphabet is rigged and should be stopped. I’m suing the allphabet in fact, for saying things it shouldn’t say about me. That’s wrong, that’s just wrong.”

I tweeted back, “Don’t you mean Great?”

That’s how I found out about Trump’s proposed War on Language.

(F-r-e-e P-r-e-s-s  is spelled B-A-D.  Or doubleplusungood for those nostalgic for 1984).

In his proposed War on Language, Trump plans to put gillions (S-O-M-E) of words and megabazillions of letters (A F-E-W) out of work. Yes, that’s right. He’s going to deport the alphabet.

Several vowels in Trump’s Cabinet told me that he plans to replace the entire alphabet with only 8 letters that will include two words.  Great and Trump. “Other words will be strongly discouraged,” said the spokesperson for the War on Words. “Exclamation points will be encouraged.”

I was appalled. That’s the only two words we will have to say anything!

Can you imagine greeting someone on the street?

“Great!” says person A. (Since no one will have names. Maybe we’ll have numbers instead. In that case I claim #27. Until numbers are vanquished too.)

“Great,” says person B.  (Theoretically since B has been banished.)

And questions will sound like this, “Trump?”

“Great,” will be the response.

Think of all the conversations we won’t be able to have including, “Impeach the son of a bitch!” “I just lost my job again,” and “Where can I buy a gun for a murder/ suicide?” And no one will be able to spell assassin. (Well that won’t have really changed).

Fortunately, TrumpGreat forgot to include the spellings of minorities, like Muslims and Mexicans, so the paperwork will be impossible to understand:

Name: Great, Trump        Occupation: Trump  Trump

Place of Birth: Trump Grate (oh sorry) Great.  Nationality: Trump Gate. (How many misspellings of Great are there? “Mistakes” could be subversive!)

Other people in family in U.S.: Trump Trump  Great Great

Current Address:  Great Trump, Trump Trump

But maybe this will slow down deportations because you can’t run a bureaucracy with just two words, no matter how Great they are.

When trying to read a deportation order, officials won’t even be able to say WTF?

They’d have to say, “What the Trump?”

With only two words, no one could ask questions:

“Oh Great Trump.  We’re supposed to deport the President?”

Maybe there is a silver lining.

Letters Unite Against Trump

The alphabet has decided to resist. Mostly by using big words like mellifluous. Curmudgeon. Ineligibility.  Verisimilitudinous. Monosyllabic. Patriarchal nonsensicalness. Befindlichkeit. (Okay I cheated. That’s German. But Trump wouldn’t understand any of them and finally the erudite can take over the world because he won’t know what the hell we’re talking about).

Until he makes his two word GREAT-TRUMP decree and deports all but 18 letters.

“N” will then fight for reinstatement so we can at least say un-great. (Because we will have enough letters for that.)

The famous vowel “O” will also holed up in a dictionary somewhere fighting for its existence, so we can at least say “no-great”, or the more sophisticated, “not-great” and also string together this multisyllabic word “noTrump.”

Maybe that will help us hold out until 2018: midterms which are 666 days away today. (I shit you not). Can Dems agree on something by then? Like you can’t spell democracy with the GOP no matter how many semantics you spin?

In the meantime, staying in line with the idea that any letter can stand for any other letter, I started spelling T-R-U-M-P as D-u-m-p.

And it rhymes!

Buckle up people: here comes the worst inauguration of our lifetimes. Do you have enough alcohol in the house? We’re all going to auger in.*

Laughing Coyote Reporting

angry-cat

It’s only 1392 days until the next Presidential election; how do you plan to save your country?

  • auger in is a verb meaning “to crash,” as in airplane.
Categories: English language, fake news, political humor and satire, Trump Presidency, Writing Related | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Obamacare Now Covers Lobotomy: Day 50 of Surviving Trumpageddon

I just finished ordering an online lobotomy so I can get through the next 4 years. I know I will not need my brain anytime soon. The lobotomy comes with DIY instructions that even an already brainless idiot can follow.

My other option is selling my brain on eBay. Then I can finance a trip to Washington, D.C. to interview for a job in the Trump Ass-ministration as the head of Intelligence. I figure my reptilian brain is pretty much all I’ll need for that so I will make sure not to sell my brainstem or medulla.

I will also be renting out my heart for the next 4 years. Who needs one of those in this climate? I have posted my heart on RentAnOrgan.gov so if you, or someone you know, need a heart (like a Trump supporter) you can bid on it and give it to them for New Year’s as revenge.  Expect to compete in a bidding war because President-Elect Dump and his boyfriend Putin are racing to collect all human hearts and burn them in this new FuckOverFest cold war that is now our collective reality. The stupid people have finally won!! Now everything will be great! Because Ignorance always makes Everything Better!

Being the oracular business woman that I am, I also bought ownership of the Wizard of Oz song If I Only Had a Brain, sung by The Scarecrow.  I am going to make so much freakin’ money owning next year’s theme song!

 Welcome to 2017: how stupid can a country be and still exist? Stay tuned for the answer which will probably come late next year.  Already little girls are asking: Can an apocalypse have an apocalypse?

 

I think my lobotomy is going to need a lobotomy.

It’s 1404 days until the next election: how are you surviving?

The Laughing Coyote

Categories: fake news, Health, Health Insurance, mental health, Obamacare, political humor and satire, Trump Presidency | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

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