Trump in Twitter War with Alphabet: Day 61 of Trumpapocalypse
Yesterday the Albuquerque Sun reported that the Alphabet is outraged at Trump’s unilateral misappropriation of letters.
In an interview earlier today, spokes-letters A and T said, “We hate how Trump is abusing the English language and turning words against us by making consistently flagrant spelling errors. For example, when
B-A-D is spelled G-R-E-A-T
S-T-U-P-I-D is spelled S-M-A-R-T
F-A-S-C-I-S-M is spelled D-E-M-O-C-R-A-C-Y
L-Y-I-N-G S-A-C-K OF S-H-I-T is spelled P-R-E-S-I-D-E-N-T of the U.S.,
it makes words totally useless! It makes letters irrelevant!
If we can replace A with G, W with O, and F with O, and U with D, and L with an explanation point (AWFUL=GOOD!); or, replace G with T, use the existing R, and replace E with U, and A with M, and T with P (GREAT=TRUMP); then WHY SPEAK AT ALL?”
At this point A began to cry and T had to stop the interview.
Because I was concerned about this alphabet abuse, I contacted Trump for comment.
He tweeted, “The Allphabet is rigged and should be stopped. I’m suing the allphabet in fact, for saying things it shouldn’t say about me. That’s wrong, that’s just wrong.”
I tweeted back, “Don’t you mean Great?”
That’s how I found out about Trump’s proposed War on Language.
(F-r-e-e P-r-e-s-s is spelled B-A-D. Or doubleplusungood for those nostalgic for 1984).
In his proposed War on Language, Trump plans to put gillions (S-O-M-E) of words and megabazillions of letters (A F-E-W) out of work. Yes, that’s right. He’s going to deport the alphabet.
Several vowels in Trump’s Cabinet told me that he plans to replace the entire alphabet with only 8 letters that will include two words. Great and Trump. “Other words will be strongly discouraged,” said the spokesperson for the War on Words. “Exclamation points will be encouraged.”
I was appalled. That’s the only two words we will have to say anything!
Can you imagine greeting someone on the street?
“Great!” says person A. (Since no one will have names. Maybe we’ll have numbers instead. In that case I claim #27. Until numbers are vanquished too.)
“Great,” says person B. (Theoretically since B has been banished.)
And questions will sound like this, “Trump?”
“Great,” will be the response.
Think of all the conversations we won’t be able to have including, “Impeach the son of a bitch!” “I just lost my job again,” and “Where can I buy a gun for a murder/ suicide?” And no one will be able to spell assassin. (Well that won’t have really changed).
Fortunately, TrumpGreat forgot to include the spellings of minorities, like Muslims and Mexicans, so the paperwork will be impossible to understand:
Name: Great, Trump Occupation: Trump Trump
Place of Birth: Trump Grate (oh sorry) Great. Nationality: Trump Gate. (How many misspellings of Great are there? “Mistakes” could be subversive!)
Other people in family in U.S.: Trump Trump Great Great
Current Address: Great Trump, Trump Trump
But maybe this will slow down deportations because you can’t run a bureaucracy with just two words, no matter how Great they are.
When trying to read a deportation order, officials won’t even be able to say WTF?
They’d have to say, “What the Trump?”
With only two words, no one could ask questions:
“Oh Great Trump. We’re supposed to deport the President?”
Maybe there is a silver lining.
Letters Unite Against Trump
The alphabet has decided to resist. Mostly by using big words like mellifluous. Curmudgeon. Ineligibility. Verisimilitudinous. Monosyllabic. Patriarchal nonsensicalness. Befindlichkeit. (Okay I cheated. That’s German. But Trump wouldn’t understand any of them and finally the erudite can take over the world because he won’t know what the hell we’re talking about).
Until he makes his two word GREAT-TRUMP decree and deports all but 18 letters.
“N” will then fight for reinstatement so we can at least say un-great. (Because we will have enough letters for that.)
The famous vowel “O” will also holed up in a dictionary somewhere fighting for its existence, so we can at least say “no-great”, or the more sophisticated, “not-great” and also string together this multisyllabic word “noTrump.”
Maybe that will help us hold out until 2018: midterms which are 666 days away today. (I shit you not). Can Dems agree on something by then? Like you can’t spell democracy with the GOP no matter how many semantics you spin?
In the meantime, staying in line with the idea that any letter can stand for any other letter, I started spelling T-R-U-M-P as D-u-m-p.
And it rhymes!
Buckle up people: here comes the worst inauguration of our lifetimes. Do you have enough alcohol in the house? We’re all going to auger in.*
Laughing Coyote Reporting
It’s only 1392 days until the next Presidential election; how do you plan to save your country?
- auger in is a verb meaning “to crash,” as in airplane.