The Paradoxical Nature of Pre-Existing Conditions: A Monograph by Dr. Laughing Coyote of WTF University
Evidently there are now many pre-existing conditions NOT COVERED under the new We-Could-Give-a-Flying-Fuck-Care bill that the House Republi-cretins voted in without even reading it or checking their collective pulses for a conscience.
Being worried about health care coverage these days, (No you had those eyes before you tried to sign up for glasses!) I decided to write to Paul Ryan to ask about what constitutes a “pre-existing condition” according to the AHCA, otherwise known as the Assholes Hurt Consumers Act.
According to Paul Ryan the following are designated as “pre-existing conditions,” which will not be covered under the various sub-categories of the Abolish Health Care Act (AHCA).
-Being unable to remember your fucking passwords
-Sarcasm
-Having a Russian boyfriend
-Giving a shit about other people
-Math skills
(Math skills are considered to be untreatable pre-existing conditions, so no self-respecting insurance company would deign to insure it.)
Being on Facebook is also a pre-existing condition, as is:
Voting for Hillary
Intelligence
Knowing facts
Having your pussy grabbed (Insurers think this isn’t really a disorder, but just in case. One arrogant asshole claimed that if he had a pussy he would want it grabbed night and day.)
Other conditions that will not be covered because they are pre-existing conditions:
Watching Rachel Maddow
Drinking water daily
Feminism
Believing Trump
(It’s not the insurers fault that you believed a malignantly narcissistic con man).
The AHCA (Apocalyptically Harmful Creeps’ Act) also does not cover the following pre-existing conditions:
A heartbeat
Global warming
Morality
Pining for Obama
Wishing Trump had the balls to go to his own correspondence dinner
Financial ruin
(One insurance representative commented: Our money won’t cover your lack of money. What do you think money is for? It’s to make sure our money has money!)
Other pre-existing conditions for which there is now no insurance:
The Comcast-Verizon Internet
President Putin
Trump-induced Tourette’s
Dying prematurely because of the AHCA (Arrogantly Harmful Cunts’ Act)
In a phone call (because I threw my computer against the wall in a fit of outrage—also not covered under the American Heinous Assholes’ Act), Ryan explained that insurance can’t cover the pre-existing condition called “having no insurance,” or any sequelae. I told him I was going to shove my fist up his sequelae.
Subsequently I was then told that “not having an iPhone anymore because I threw it over 1500 miles at Ryan’s self-satisfied fuckhead” is also a pre-existing condition that no one will pay for. I had to borrow my grandmother’s flip phone so he could tell me that.
Then I asked “What if one of my pre-existing conditions has a pre-existing condition? Wouldn’t they then cancel each other out and then you’d have to cover it?”
This comment was ignored. I suspect the Republican “Nerd” (so called because what exactly is ‘smart’ among Tea Party GOP?) didn’t understand me.
I said, “For example, being a Republican is obviously a pre-existing condition and being a Tea Party Republican is manifestly one also-”
“I don’t follow,” said Ryan.
“You didn’t really pay attention during Nerd Lessons, did you?”
“I don’t follow.”
“Obviously you have a few pre-existing conditions that Democrats are fully paying for. Listen closely. Being a Tea Party member is a pre-existing condition inside the already pre-existing condition of being a Republican. These two things that are proven chronic mental conditions are so awful that they negate civilization creating a manifest emptiness which by definition does not exist (thus it cannot ‘pre-exist’) and therefore must be covered by your own Arrogantly Harmful Cretins Act.”
“Oh, yes, we congressmen do have very good insurance,” said the right wing, brown-nosing pseudo genius, and Speaker of the House.
Refusing to discuss it further, Ryan went on to say that in most states the Aggressively Hurtful Conditions Act does not cover being alive at the time of coverage. “We view being alive as a condition that the state can take no responsibility for, and thus any condition that actually involves respiration, whether natural or enhanced, cannot and should not be covered, because it is the individual’s responsibility for being alive in the first place that is the underlying cause of most illnesses and it is not fair to ask money to pay for that endemic situation.”
I said, “So in order to get coverage, we would have to sign up for the Aggressively Harmful Consumer Act before we are actually alive because actually having enough fingers to fill out the form would be a pre-existing condition?”
“Precisely,” said Ryan.
“So in order to get around this No Pre-existing Conditions Act I have to sign up before I exist?”
“Correct.”
I said, “How many people do you think can cope with that kind of planning?”
“About 3.”
Apparently in this Asinine Health Can’t Act there are also levels of “pre-existing conditions”, to wit: some conditions exist more than others, and are therefore unqualified for a higher level of coverage; in other word the more something exists, the less likely it is to be covered; and the less a condition exists, the more likely it is to be fully covered by the WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!!? Health Care Act.
The only conditions the AHCA covers are conditions that don’t exist. It should be called the Apocryphal Humanity Coverage Act.
Thus, under this sub-clause:
- All interactions with unicorns are fully covered.
- Accidents involving people with wings are covered.
- Diseases stemming from telepathy are widely insured.
- Chronic illnesses stemming from chronic prescience are actually pre-covered: you get money from the government before you come down with viral omniscience.
Donald Trump’s brain is, obviously, also fully insured.
Faced with this, I thought about shooting myself, but wasn’t sure if I existed enough to be successful. And then I received a call from a philosopher who had a whole different take on the semantics of the issue.
“This shouldn’t stand up in court,” said Philosophical Phil (his friends call him Philoso-Phil). “To pre-exist means you don’t exist, so that means pre-existing conditions can’t exist and they can’t keep you from having insurance.”
“So that means they have to insure me even if I breathe on a regular basis, watch Rachel Maddow, vote Democratic and understand facts?”
“Looks that way.”
“I believe they may have fucked themselves, I said.
“Also not a pre-existing condition,” said Philoso-Phil.
So, armed with this knowledge, insurance fans, let’s all write to our insurance companies and legislative branches and lawyers pointing out that there is a logical inconsistency in their plan to kill us all and take our money.
I’m so relieved that having a new iPhone 6 isn’t a pre-existing condition, but I am now insanely worried about the unicorns.
Insurancely yours,
The Laughing Coyote
Laughing Coyote Productions 
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