Trump in Twitter War with Alphabet: Day 61 of Trumpapocalypse

Trump in Twitter War with Alphabet:   Day 61 of Trumpapocalypse

Yesterday the Albuquerque Sun reported that the Alphabet is outraged at Trump’s unilateral misappropriation of letters.

In an interview earlier today, spokes-letters A and T said, “We hate how Trump is abusing the English language and turning words against us by making consistently flagrant spelling errors. For example, when

B-A-D is spelled G-R-E-A-T

 and

 S-T-U-P-I-D is spelled S-M-A-R-T

 and

F-A-S-C-I-S-M  is spelled D-E-M-O-C-R-A-C-Y

and

 L-Y-I-N-G  S-A-C-K OF S-H-I-T is spelled P-R-E-S-I-D-E-N-T of the U.S.,

it makes words totally useless!  It makes letters irrelevant!

If we can replace A with G, W with O, and F with O, and U with D, and L with an explanation point (AWFUL=GOOD!); or, replace G with T, use the existing R, and replace E with U, and A with M, and T with P (GREAT=TRUMP); then WHY SPEAK AT ALL?”

At this point A began to cry and T had to stop the interview.

Because I was concerned about this alphabet abuse, I contacted Trump for comment.

He tweeted, “The Allphabet is rigged and should be stopped. I’m suing the allphabet in fact, for saying things it shouldn’t say about me. That’s wrong, that’s just wrong.”

I tweeted back, “Don’t you mean Great?”

That’s how I found out about Trump’s proposed War on Language.

(F-r-e-e P-r-e-s-s  is spelled B-A-D.  Or doubleplusungood for those nostalgic for 1984).

In his proposed War on Language, Trump plans to put gillions (S-O-M-E) of words and megabazillions of letters (A F-E-W) out of work. Yes, that’s right. He’s going to deport the alphabet.

Several vowels in Trump’s Cabinet told me that he plans to replace the entire alphabet with only 8 letters that will include two words.  Great and Trump. “Other words will be strongly discouraged,” said the spokesperson for the War on Words. “Exclamation points will be encouraged.”

I was appalled. That’s the only two words we will have to say anything!

Can you imagine greeting someone on the street?

“Great!” says person A. (Since no one will have names. Maybe we’ll have numbers instead. In that case I claim #27. Until numbers are vanquished too.)

“Great,” says person B.  (Theoretically since B has been banished.)

And questions will sound like this, “Trump?”

“Great,” will be the response.

Think of all the conversations we won’t be able to have including, “Impeach the son of a bitch!” “I just lost my job again,” and “Where can I buy a gun for a murder/ suicide?” And no one will be able to spell assassin. (Well that won’t have really changed).

Fortunately, TrumpGreat forgot to include the spellings of minorities, like Muslims and Mexicans, so the paperwork will be impossible to understand:

Name: Great, Trump        Occupation: Trump  Trump

Place of Birth: Trump Grate (oh sorry) Great.  Nationality: Trump Gate. (How many misspellings of Great are there? “Mistakes” could be subversive!)

Other people in family in U.S.: Trump Trump  Great Great

Current Address:  Great Trump, Trump Trump

But maybe this will slow down deportations because you can’t run a bureaucracy with just two words, no matter how Great they are.

When trying to read a deportation order, officials won’t even be able to say WTF?

They’d have to say, “What the Trump?”

With only two words, no one could ask questions:

“Oh Great Trump.  We’re supposed to deport the President?”

Maybe there is a silver lining.

Letters Unite Against Trump

The alphabet has decided to resist. Mostly by using big words like mellifluous. Curmudgeon. Ineligibility.  Verisimilitudinous. Monosyllabic. Patriarchal nonsensicalness. Befindlichkeit. (Okay I cheated. That’s German. But Trump wouldn’t understand any of them and finally the erudite can take over the world because he won’t know what the hell we’re talking about).

Until he makes his two word GREAT-TRUMP decree and deports all but 18 letters.

“N” will then fight for reinstatement so we can at least say un-great. (Because we will have enough letters for that.)

The famous vowel “O” will also holed up in a dictionary somewhere fighting for its existence, so we can at least say “no-great”, or the more sophisticated, “not-great” and also string together this multisyllabic word “noTrump.”

Maybe that will help us hold out until 2018: midterms which are 666 days away today. (I shit you not). Can Dems agree on something by then? Like you can’t spell democracy with the GOP no matter how many semantics you spin?

In the meantime, staying in line with the idea that any letter can stand for any other letter, I started spelling T-R-U-M-P as D-u-m-p.

And it rhymes!

Buckle up people: here comes the worst inauguration of our lifetimes. Do you have enough alcohol in the house? We’re all going to auger in.*

Laughing Coyote Reporting

angry-cat

It’s only 1392 days until the next Presidential election; how do you plan to save your country?

  • auger in is a verb meaning “to crash,” as in airplane.
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Categories: English language, fake news, political humor and satire, Trump Presidency, Writing Related | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

15 Things to Do with Tampons after Your Hysterectomy

  1. Earplugs. Use scissors unless you want to look ridiculous.
  1. Christmas ornaments. The white makes a nice contrast with the dark green spruce.
  1. Very small sponges for the car or office
  1. Nosebleeds
  1. Packaging material. Everyone loves gifts packed in tampons.
  1. Mouth gag. For use on child, spouse or during kidnappings.
  1. Gun silencertampons

More off-label uses for tampons after hysterectomy:

  1. Hair curlers
  1. Dentist visits
  1. Art projects
  1. Paintbrushes for kindergarteners
  1. Very small bikini—those strings do come in handy.
  1. House shoes for cats
  1. Insulation. If you have a big overstock.

15. Vodka suppository.  Substitute liquor of choice. Recommend against beer and wine: high proof is more effective.

If you have more suggestion hit “comments,” at the bottom of the blog. Laughing Coyote will do a follow up article, if I get enough suggestions!

Hysterectomy-ly yours

e49

The Laughing Coyote

P.S. And one I didn’t think of from Melissa Harris Perry!

earrings-tampons

 

 

 

 

Categories: women's health, women's humor | Tags: , , | 1 Comment

Obamacare Now Covers Lobotomy: Day 50 of Surviving Trumpageddon

I just finished ordering an online lobotomy so I can get through the next 4 years. I know I will not need my brain anytime soon. The lobotomy comes with DIY instructions that even an already brainless idiot can follow.

My other option is selling my brain on eBay. Then I can finance a trip to Washington, D.C. to interview for a job in the Trump Ass-ministration as the head of Intelligence. I figure my reptilian brain is pretty much all I’ll need for that so I will make sure not to sell my brainstem or medulla.

I will also be renting out my heart for the next 4 years. Who needs one of those in this climate? I have posted my heart on RentAnOrgan.gov so if you, or someone you know, need a heart (like a Trump supporter) you can bid on it and give it to them for New Year’s as revenge.  Expect to compete in a bidding war because President-Elect Dump and his boyfriend Putin are racing to collect all human hearts and burn them in this new FuckOverFest cold war that is now our collective reality. The stupid people have finally won!! Now everything will be great! Because Ignorance always makes Everything Better!

Being the oracular business woman that I am, I also bought ownership of the Wizard of Oz song If I Only Had a Brain, sung by The Scarecrow.  I am going to make so much freakin’ money owning next year’s theme song!

 Welcome to 2017: how stupid can a country be and still exist? Stay tuned for the answer which will probably come late next year.  Already little girls are asking: Can an apocalypse have an apocalypse?

 

I think my lobotomy is going to need a lobotomy.

It’s 1404 days until the next election: how are you surviving?

The Laughing Coyote

Categories: fake news, Health, Health Insurance, mental health, Obamacare, political humor and satire, Trump Presidency | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

It’s Secession Saturday! Day 11 of Trumpaggedon

 

While just trying to get through Day 11 Year 1 of AT (After Trump), and being unable to watch the news because of some terrible orange virus of ignorance pumping itself through every facet of our lives, I needed something to do. So I decided to secede. Realizing I didn’t want to secede all by myself I asked some people at Trader Joe’s if they wanted to secede also. They did. Before long everyone was clamoring to be included.

At approximately 4:32pm New Mexican time, New Mexico succeeded from the United States. (We argue that, really, the U.S. succeeded from us.)

Welcome to the United States of New Mexico!  (Don’t worry, President-Elect Cheeto Head doesn’t know where we are. Like half of America, he thinks we are part of Mexico. We are the only state that has U.S.A on our license plates. Well not anymore!)

I appointed Hillary Clinton as President and figure Vice-President Tim Kaine can coach her on Spanish since running The United States of New Mexico isn’t going to take up all her time. We are going to get her some great Day of the Dead pant suits.  The dream lives on!

Rachel Maddow will be Secretary of State since she knows how to talk diplomatically to clowns and is immune to patriarchy.

All other positions are open. Please apply here. Those people who know how to construct a wall to keep everyone else out of here should definitely speak up.

I will be the head Fool of State, since I am only good for saying things and pointing out the obvious. My cat however, is interested in being the Secretary of the Interior, in charge of the arrangement of blankets on the bed.

We won’t even deport those of you who voted for Trump. It may not be your fault you’re an idiot.  But those Democrats who voted third party, or didn’t vote at all? It’s definitely your fault you’re an idiot. But fifteen minutes of looking over the wall from the United States of Mexico to the ruins in the rest of the country will fix that broken I.Q.  regardless of which part of stupid you were standing on before.

It’s 1444 days until 2020 election. Until then Hillary can stay at my house. And those pesky license plates? Duct tape. Cover the USA with duct tape. You can fix everything with duct tape. Even an election.

Sincerely,

Laughing Coyote

 

 

 

 

 

 

Categories: political humor and satire, Trump Presidency | Tags: , , | Leave a comment

Trump Decides to Invade English: Day 10 of Trumpapocalypse

Trump loved my last post: Make Rape Great Again! in which I reported on all the new words being approved by dictionaries and travel guides around the world: words like Trumpaggedon, Trumpapath, Trumpsogeny and What the Trump?

 Here’s what he tweeted to me today: I loved your idea: Make America Rape Again! It’s great! And your idea of putting my name in all the words in English. It’s Trumptastic.

 Me:  that’s not what I fucking meant you Cheeto Bag.

Trump:  Will you come work for me?

I told him to Trump Off.

Then I applied for a Visa to North Korea: it’s safer there.

It’s 1445 days until the 2020 election. How are you coping?

Signing off,

The Laughing Coyote

my_tombstone (8)

Categories: English language, political humor and satire, sexism, Trump invades English; Trump vocabulary; new words in English, humor about Trump, Trumpisms,, Trump Presidency | Tags: | Leave a comment

Make Rape Great Again: Day 7 of Trumpapocalypse

Headlines: Dictionaries around the world ratify “Trumpapocalypse” as a real word.

Also in line for approval:

Trumpatastrophe

Trumpageddon,

Trumpassistic         (meaning narcissistic)

Trumpapath           (meaning psychopath, sociopath)

Tritrumpharent      (meaning triumphant)

Trumpiminal          (meaning criminal)

Trumpyrant            (meaning Tyrant)

and What the Trump?  (from: What the Fuck?)

 

I have some suggestions:

Trumpist (from racist)

Trumpsogeny (from misogyny)

Trumpsoginist   (misogynist)

Plus, Trumpidiot:

for anyone who voted for him, especially if you are a white woman. You deserve a special term all your own but I haven’t figured out a word bad enough. I will have to invent a new word for women who vote against their own interest and that of their daughters because there was plenty of warning about what that would mean.

Right now I’m stuck with a very clunky phrase: I, Your Mother, voted for you, Daughter, to have your Pussy Grabbed, Raped, and Impregnated and forced to have the child because you don’t deserve to have any rights or respect. Yeah me! Make Rape Great Again!

This phrase just isn’t catchy at all. It doesn’t roll off the tongue. For another, it just wanders around inside horror, all casual, like it’s ordering some really nice Rape Me Now blouses and You Haven’t Groped Me Yet, What’s Wrong? skirts from L.L. Bean, or buying some nice Victoria’s Secret underwear with the embroidered phrase: Make America Rape Again on it, in case your spouse or boyfriend forgets what the establishment endorses and accidentally treats you with respect.

 Maybe an acronym using this phrase is in order? Oh yes, I have one:

W.E.A.R.E.S.O.F.U.C.K.E.D.

Okay, that could work, but it isn’t really descriptive of the voter, only the victims of the white female majority vote (53% in case you think I’m full of shit).

I need a word bad enough for these misguided voters: Those that now have forced me to wear a T-shirt saying: It’s a bad time to have a uterus. Hysterectomies for everyone! (Before we loose Obamacare).

Maybe in the next 1448 days before the next election, I will find a term bad enough.

Oh but here’s a word that might do in the meantime:

Trumptor.   (Meaning traitor).

Sincerely,

Not-Laughing Coyote Reporting

 

 

Categories: feminism, political humor and satire, sexism, Trump Presidency | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Satan Denies Voting for Trump: Day 4 of Trump Apocalypse

 

In an exclusive interview with Dumbfounded Magazine, Satan reports, “I just couldn’t get behind Trump. He’s just too evil. I might have endorsed him if he hadn’t had the support of so many vile GOP leaders and half the population of the United States, but under those circumstances, I just couldn’t go through with it. It’s just too vile, even for me. He’s giving the Devil a bad name. In fact I’m thinking of leaving this field altogether.”

Satan went on to say that Hillary is not and never was evil. “She didn’t meet the criteria. The most she ever suffered from was some minor league-bad and that’s mainly because she married a man and tried to reform a sexist society. Look I know bad, and she’s no bad.”

Satan continued, “Most sociopaths I know didn’t vote for Trump either. Your basic serial killer/psychopath took a long look at him and his organization and said, ‘Whoa, wait a minute. I don’t want any part of this. I have to draw the line somewhere and this is it. What do I tell my children when I come home from a long day of ripping off pensioners and killing people with knives? I just couldn’t do it.”

Apparently, narcissistic personality disorders, and other personality disorders, have started seeking treatment in droves. One well-established narcissist explained, “With Trump at the helm, there’s nothing for us to do. He’s cornered the market on psychopathology and sucked all the air out of the room. There’s no benefit now to actually being a garden variety narcissist: he’s sucked up all the selfishness and so the rest of us might as well get into treatment and sign up for the Democratic Party, so as to give our lives some purpose and meaning. Trump has being a selfish bastard all locked up and there’s no more room for us personality disorders. As part of my treatment, I plan to work a Crisis Hotline at least until the mid-terms.”

Not sure if this is the silver lining we were hoping for, my brave friends, but maybe it’s a start.

It’s Day 4 of Trump-aggedon. Only 1451 days to go.

May we all have the good fortune to be saved by a sociopath.

Sincerely,

Laughing Coyote

Categories: mental health, political humor and satire, psychology humor, religion, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Day 3 of Trump-apocalypse

How I got through Day 3, Year 1, AT  (After Trump)

 

Oh god, I woke up with yet another Trump Hangover. Nothing that an hour in the bathroom couldn’t handle.

  1. Installed a vomitorium in my home. (On sale in the same stores that brought you the bidet).
  1. Burned yet another Trump piñata left over from Halloween in effigy.
  1. Decided to open a company specializing in Trump piñatas because burning things in effigy is going to become very popular and I’m going to be rich selling this shit.
  1. Took a quick online certification course in Voodoo.
  1. Went to Hobby Lobby and got several Voodoo Doll DIY Home Craft kits.
  1. Marveled that such a Christian company that loves God so much is okay with selling voodoo doll kits. (Then I realized the equipment was meant for pro-choice and LGBT people.)
  1. Spent the next three hours sticking pins in the Trump and Pence dolls, focusing on the genital regions since the brain area is obviously not relevant
  1. Went back to get more Voodoo dolls from Hobby Lobby when I realized I needed to do the whole cabinet and the majority leaders.
  1. Spent the rest of the day on the internet waiting for news of a mysterious set of illnesses plaguing the new administration requiring quarantine on the planet Mars for the next eight years and how we are going to have to borrow a rocket from the Russians to get them there.

What did you do to get through Day 3 of Trump-apocalypse?

Post here (scroll down to the end of the blog for comments), post on FB or write to me at dreamspinning@gmail.com.   I plan to post other people’s ways of coping when appropriate and will do it anonymously unless you ask me to post your name or pseudonym.

Hang in there everyone,

Only 1452 days to go.

-Laughing Coyote

 

Categories: mental health, political humor and satire, Trump Presidency | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Trump-apocalpyse Day 2

Ok, survived day 2 of the Trump-apocalypse. Only 1453 to go. Ordered 16 crates of Grey Goose Vodka, 12 crates of vermouth, 16,000 jars of olives and am figuring out how to make vodka-infused coffee breakfast drink along with having bacon at every meal. I need my strength.

Today I turned off the news and learned ballet dancing. I now plan to be the oldest comedian/ballet dancer to make it big in New Mexico while hammered on Grey Goose martinis.

It’s Day 2 people.

Pace yourselves.

Praying for a Trump Free world,

Laughing Coyote

unnamed (8)

 

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Day 1 of Trump-apocalpyse

Also known as Day 1 AT (After Trump). We now no longer use the Gregorian Calender. 2016 stopped November 8, 2016 AD.  So its DAY 1  Year 1 AT (After Trump). Everything prior to today will be referred to as BT (Before Trump) replacing the hackneyed and tired BC.

Sorry folks. Jesus no longer matters.

It’s a very weird day when I realize I’m a better Christian than the right-wingers because I didn’t vote for the sociopath. Alas now that I’ve achieved a personal milestone in my Christianity, I can no longer use the time tested B.C./A.D., because we’ve been taken over by an Idiot and a squad of right-wing and broken-winged morons. There goes the alphabet!

That’s okay. I was tired of using letters to communicate anyway. It’s much easier to grunt and point at the nearest civil right and then consume it like its some giant delusional cookie treat, never to be seen again, but boy wasn’t that a fabulous five seconds of Neanderthal goodness!

It’s the first time I have felt glad about my upcoming hysterectomy-there will be no possible way to get pregnant after that and be forced to have the baby because I will no longer have the right to get an abortion at age 50. And believe me the fucking baby would want it too if it got a look at me on any given Sunday.

That was the bright spot of Day 1  AT,  dear diary, so glad I won’t have a womb very soon.

Several unthinking people told me today, “Have a nice day.”

I wanted to punch them in the fucking face.

That’s how I survived Day 1, well that and still being drunk when I woke up this morning.

Only 1454 days to go.

Reporting from the Heart of the Trump-apocalypse

Laughing and Heart-Broken Coyote

Categories: political humor and satire, Trump Presidency, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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